First, I want to say that there's not a day that goes by when I don't miss you. There's not a day that your face doesn't flash across my mind and the thought of your laugh brings the biggest smile to my face.
I thought you made a huge impact on my life when you were here with us, but it wasn't until you were gone that I realized how much you live on through me every day.
Sometimes I catch myself going out of my way to do random acts of kindness, and I know that that's your way of shining through me. There were things I never did before you passed, and now I find myself doing little things like that all the time.
You may think I don't feel you or notice you coming through, but I do. Everything I do, I do to make you proud.
I know you'd have a lot to say about the tattoo I got for you, how I didn't have to do that, and that you don't deserve that. But you do. There's no better way than to look down and be reminded of you every chance I get.
This year was so hard. Your first birthday without you; it doesn't seem real. I know everyone says it will get easier.
I know, in time, I will come to peace with your passing, but not yet. Not right now.
It's selfish of me to want you down here on your special day, but we could never throw you a party quite like Heaven could. Therefore, I'm okay with knowing you're having the best time up there with people you've been apart from for way too long.
So, I'm trying not to be selfish. I'm trying really hard to accept that you're in better hands. I'm choosing to believe that you're no longer suffering and you're happier than ever, and if I only knew how amazing it was up there, I wouldn't be so sad.
I choose to sit by your grave and talk to you, but I know that's not how you'd want me to celebrate you. But that's all I know how to do to right now. This is still so new and heartbreaking to me.
Maybe next year, I'll bring a Belgium waffle and find your favorite flowers, and I'll play your favorite music.
I wish I knew how to make you feel how much you are loved and missed. I'd do anything for five more minutes with you, but I know you're with me every single day.
I love you, my Angel. Happy Birthday.
