To the abused who’s wondering if they’ve just gone full circle:
I am you. I’ve sat here and cried to myself wondering if they’re turning into the abuser or being abused again. Sometimes it’s one, sometimes it’s the other, sometimes it’s both. Any way it is, it hurts you so bad your stomach feels like it’s folding in on itself.
At first I wondered if I would turn out like him, the boy who controlled me and tried to force me to leave everything I loved to be with him. I was afraid my fears of my new relationship turning out like that one would turn me into telling him who his friends could be, what he could do without me, where I would go when he was around. I was afraid that making him make a decision about us made me abusive and not just firm in my beliefs. I know now I was right to stand up for this.
Then came the fear he would become the same; The same as my abuser in a romantic relationship. The same as the abusers in my family relationship. I was afraid he would decide I wasn’t as important as he was. That my problems were less than his, my hobbies were on the back burner while he was supposed to be my only interest, and he would decide my friends were stupid and his were fantastic. I was afraid we’d be fine for 25 years and then the fighting would start and he’d decide he didn’t love me anymore. He’d break my heart in so many pieces in so many ways he wouldn’t even understand.
And finally, the realization. This relationship was different from everything else, but those reminders, a show, a song, a sentence, an opinion, they send me back to that moment in time when the memory happened and I’m small, weak, useless. He doesn’t understand because he’s never experienced it. My mind is scarred and still bleeds sometimes when the wounds haven’t healed much. And it’s not fair it affects us now. I should let you pay for your own mistakes, not theirs.
So my suggestion for you is to sit back when you’re mad, or disappointed, or torn. Look at who you’re with and ask yourself, “is this because of what they did or what has happened before them?” Look at everything and write, sing, meditate, sleep, whatever helps you clear your head. If they really love you, they’ll wait. Just make sure they’re mistakes are their own and not your past’s.
With all my love,
A Girl Trying to Heal
