A Letter to the Abused Worried About Going Full Circle

A Letter to the Abused Worried About Going Full Circle

You're not alone, and you can do this
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To the abused who’s wondering if they’ve just gone full circle:

I am you. I’ve sat here and cried to myself wondering if they’re turning into the abuser or being abused again. Sometimes it’s one, sometimes it’s the other, sometimes it’s both. Any way it is, it hurts you so bad your stomach feels like it’s folding in on itself.

At first I wondered if I would turn out like him, the boy who controlled me and tried to force me to leave everything I loved to be with him. I was afraid my fears of my new relationship turning out like that one would turn me into telling him who his friends could be, what he could do without me, where I would go when he was around. I was afraid that making him make a decision about us made me abusive and not just firm in my beliefs. I know now I was right to stand up for this.

Then came the fear he would become the same; The same as my abuser in a romantic relationship. The same as the abusers in my family relationship. I was afraid he would decide I wasn’t as important as he was. That my problems were less than his, my hobbies were on the back burner while he was supposed to be my only interest, and he would decide my friends were stupid and his were fantastic. I was afraid we’d be fine for 25 years and then the fighting would start and he’d decide he didn’t love me anymore. He’d break my heart in so many pieces in so many ways he wouldn’t even understand.

And finally, the realization. This relationship was different from everything else, but those reminders, a show, a song, a sentence, an opinion, they send me back to that moment in time when the memory happened and I’m small, weak, useless. He doesn’t understand because he’s never experienced it. My mind is scarred and still bleeds sometimes when the wounds haven’t healed much. And it’s not fair it affects us now. I should let you pay for your own mistakes, not theirs.

So my suggestion for you is to sit back when you’re mad, or disappointed, or torn. Look at who you’re with and ask yourself, “is this because of what they did or what has happened before them?” Look at everything and write, sing, meditate, sleep, whatever helps you clear your head. If they really love you, they’ll wait. Just make sure they’re mistakes are their own and not your past’s.

With all my love,

A Girl Trying to Heal

Cover Image Credit: jane_hughes' Flickr

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To The Boy I’ve Been Dating Since I Was 15, I Always Knew You Were My Forever

Thank you for showing me love when I thought I didn't deserve any.

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Hey you,

People assumed our "fling" would only last a few short months. It's what everyone assumes when your first love happens during your sophomore year of high school. Yet here we stand, three and a half years later, more together than we've ever been. Although we've had our ups and downs, we still managed to keep our relationship going and to remember why we're together in the first place.

Many say loving isn't easy, but you make it a walk in the park.

You respect me in more ways than one, and you make me feel beautiful, inside and out. For a long time, I never noticed the beauty and strength I have within myself. I didn't see what others would point out to me, and at times I still find it hard to acknowledge my worth. However, you came into my life at a time when I felt I had no one, and you helped me to see all I have to offer. You helped me to open my mind to the thought of loving myself for who I am, and although the road is long and I'm not completely there, you've made me see how worthy of love I truly am.

Having you as my best friend, along with being my boyfriend, is the most rewarding feeling in the world.

I think the reason we rarely fight or stay angry with each other is that we truly are best friends. We could spend all of our time in deep conversation about any topic in the world and still feel engaged and ready to hear more from one another. Every single day I learn something new about you and vice versa. We can be ourselves in each other's presence and have fun doing absolutely nothing exciting. I am easily annoyed by a lot of things, but you are not one of them. Being with you for hours, even if we just watch TV the entire time, never gets repetitive or boring.

You treated me with the respect I deserved before I even realized I was worthy of it.

In many ways, I don't respect myself. Whether it be body image or letting "friends" walk all over me, I let many thoughts and people control my life. You, however, were the saving grace I needed. You've shown me how I deserve to be treated and how I should think of myself. Often I wonder how I got so lucky to end up with someone who loves me unconditionally and who values everything I have to offer. I say all the time that I don't deserve your heart, your kindness, your love, but you always remind me that I do. And I'm starting to realize that you're right; I deserve every bit of love, kindness, and respect that you have to offer. I can only hope that I award you with the same love and selflessness you give me every single day.

Three and a half years with someone may seem extremely long, but I feel as though we've been together a lifetime. It's hard to remember a time when you weren't right there beside me, and I would never want to imagine a future without you in it. There are so many more laughs, adventures, and memories to be made with you, and I only hope that I can be at least half of the person you are.

Thank you for pulling me out of the darkness. Today, tomorrow, and always.

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