A Letter to the Abused Worried About Going Full Circle

A Letter to the Abused Worried About Going Full Circle

You're not alone, and you can do this
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To the abused who’s wondering if they’ve just gone full circle:

I am you. I’ve sat here and cried to myself wondering if they’re turning into the abuser or being abused again. Sometimes it’s one, sometimes it’s the other, sometimes it’s both. Any way it is, it hurts you so bad your stomach feels like it’s folding in on itself.

At first I wondered if I would turn out like him, the boy who controlled me and tried to force me to leave everything I loved to be with him. I was afraid my fears of my new relationship turning out like that one would turn me into telling him who his friends could be, what he could do without me, where I would go when he was around. I was afraid that making him make a decision about us made me abusive and not just firm in my beliefs. I know now I was right to stand up for this.

Then came the fear he would become the same; The same as my abuser in a romantic relationship. The same as the abusers in my family relationship. I was afraid he would decide I wasn’t as important as he was. That my problems were less than his, my hobbies were on the back burner while he was supposed to be my only interest, and he would decide my friends were stupid and his were fantastic. I was afraid we’d be fine for 25 years and then the fighting would start and he’d decide he didn’t love me anymore. He’d break my heart in so many pieces in so many ways he wouldn’t even understand.

And finally, the realization. This relationship was different from everything else, but those reminders, a show, a song, a sentence, an opinion, they send me back to that moment in time when the memory happened and I’m small, weak, useless. He doesn’t understand because he’s never experienced it. My mind is scarred and still bleeds sometimes when the wounds haven’t healed much. And it’s not fair it affects us now. I should let you pay for your own mistakes, not theirs.

So my suggestion for you is to sit back when you’re mad, or disappointed, or torn. Look at who you’re with and ask yourself, “is this because of what they did or what has happened before them?” Look at everything and write, sing, meditate, sleep, whatever helps you clear your head. If they really love you, they’ll wait. Just make sure they’re mistakes are their own and not your past’s.

With all my love,

A Girl Trying to Heal

Cover Image Credit: jane_hughes' Flickr

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I'm The Girl Without A 'Friend Group'

And here's why I'm OK with it

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Little things remind me all the time.

For example, I'll be sitting in the lounge with the people on my floor, just talking about how everyone's days went. Someone will turn to someone else and ask something along the lines of, "When are we going to so-and-so's place tonight?" Sometimes it'll even be, "Are you ready to go to so-and-so's place now? Okay, we'll see you later, Taylor!"

It's little things like that, little things that remind me I don't have a "friend group." And it's been like that forever. I don't have the same people to keep me company 24 hours of the day, the same people to do absolutely everything with, and the same people to cling to like glue. I don't have a whole cast of characters to entertain me and care for me and support me. Sometimes, especially when it feels obvious to me, not having a "friend group" makes me feel like a waste of space. If I don't have more friends than I can count, what's the point in trying to make friends at all?

I can tell you that there is a point. As a matter of fact, just because I don't have a close-knit clique doesn't mean I don't have any friends. The friends I have come from all different walks of life, some are from my town back home and some are from across the country. I've known some of my friends for years, and others I've only known for a few months. It doesn't really matter where they come from, though. What matters is that the friends I have all entertain me, care for me, and support me. Just because I'm not in that "friend group" with all of them together doesn't mean that we can't be friends to each other.

Still, I hate avoiding sticking myself in a box, and I'm not afraid to seek out friendships. I've noticed that a lot of the people I see who consider themselves to be in a "friend group" don't really venture outside the pack very often. I've never had a pack to venture outside of, so I don't mind reaching out to new people whenever.

I'm not going to lie, when I hear people talking about all the fun they're going to have with their "friend group" over the weekend, part of me wishes I could be included in something like that. I do sometimes want to have the personality type that allows me to mesh perfectly into a clique. I couldn't tell you what it is about me, but there is some part of me that just happens to function better one-on-one with people.

I hated it all my life up until very recently, and that's because I've finally learned that not having a "friend group" is never going to be the same as not having friends.

SEE ALSO: To The Girls Who Float Between Friend Groups

Cover Image Credit: wordpress.com

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To The Friend I Rarely See Anymore

I wish you nothing but the best.

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When we graduated high school, we thought it was the end for us. The distance would ruin us and we wouldn't be able to call ourselves friends. Thankfully, you were my rock for the first year of school. You were the one I turned to when the adjustment was hard or when I needed someone to talk to and just listen. We never lost our connection for a whole year. We proved that nothing could pull us apart no matter how far the distance, no matter the different schedules. We were still best friends.

Another summer came and we only got stronger. We went on countless beach trips, late night hangouts, and Starbucks runs. I didn't even think it was possible to be this much closer to you than we already were. If we weren't together, we would Snapchat or text to never stop the conversation.

Now summer ended, we didn't think twice about losing our connection this time. We had a bond stronger than anyone could fathom. We once again went our separate ways and kept our texting and Snapchat habits.

But something changed.

It must've been the comfort level of sophomore year. It must've been all the new friends we got. It must have been the boys who entered our lives. We don't speak anymore. I haven't seen you since winter break. I haven't texted you since New Year's Eve. Our connection, one that was once thought to be indestructible, came crumbling down with sophomore year. I am not going to lie, sophomore year was the best of my life, but I knew you were missing the whole time. It wasn't the same without you.

I'm not upset you chose to focus your time and life on your new boyfriend. I am happy for you. I am not upset you spend more time with your school friends. I am happy for you. I am not upset you don't text me anymore and killed our streak. I know you're living a happy life. And I am too.

We may have gone our separate ways like we never imagined, but I am happy you are finally happy. Don't forget for one second that I will always be here for you. I will still always answer your text. I will still always be your shoulder to cry on even when no one else is there for you. I wish you nothing but the best, and I hope you're doing ok.

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