Before anything is said, let's just state the obvious and acknowledge that break ups suck… In a big way. There’s confusion, sadness, anger, and unfortunately, sometimes there are moments when you’re calling your best friend crying in the middle of the night after listening to your old Taylor Swift playlist. There’s never such thing as a good breakup and my heart goes out to anyone who knows the pain of what I’m talking about.
This isn’t about the actual break up, though. This isn’t about the tears, deleted pictures, hours spent going over every detail with friends, or the one-too-many drinks on the nights where it all felt too much. This isn’t about how the boy who I loved, trusted, and shared my life with decided to kick me while I was already down on my knees. Instead, this is about how people change and the process of learning to accept that.
One of the worst feelings in the world is looking at someone who you once loved and then feeling like they are a total stranger. It’s like all the memories, laughs, moments wrapped up in each others arms, and pure love vanished and all that’s left behind is a wax figure that’s supposed to represent your person — but really isn’t them. It’s heartbreaking and tragic and when you look at a lot of the pain that’s involved in the aftershock of a rough breakup, this is the root of it. It’s not about what was said or done, it’s about how the person who you loved isn’t that person anymore and nothing can change that.
In my heart, I know that the man whom I loved and who loved me back isn’t the same confused boy who knowingly hurt me and broke my heart. I’m being 100 percent honest when I say that I don’t feel any anger, spitefulness or even resentment towards him. In fact, I still love the guy I had a relationship with, I just don’t like who he is now and I don’t know if I’ll like who he becomes in the future.
This is because people change. It’s a fact and it’s a part of growing up. People change and you have to let them do so. I mean, thank god I’m not the same dorky 14-year-old who was painfully awkward and liked to wear Juicy Tracksuits to school. Thank god I’m not the same 17-year-old who thought that the only way to be happy was to weigh a certain amount and look a certain way. And hell, thank god I’m not the same 19-year-old who let a boy determine her happiness and worth.
People change. Sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse but regardless, this change is what needs to happen so that they can become themselves. You haven’t been the same person your whole life and neither was the guy who broke your heart. You need to let go of what was and accept what is. He’s not that guy anymore. He won’t be and can’t be and that’s ok. It’s ok because it's not your fault. It’s sad and it'll break your heart even after you accept it, but it's not your fault.
I know that when I look the boy who broke my heart in the eyes, I will be disappointed not to see the man I loved looking back at me. Learning to let go of the old version is the hardest part but once you do there’s no looking back. He hurt me in a way that not many people can but by no means will I fuel that fire by trying to hold on to what was. Releasing myself of the burden of trying to mold him back into that old version has made me so much happier and so much stronger hence why moving on has been so liberating. I won't be waiting around in case he doesn't find anything better in the future and because of this I wish him the best. Letting go has never felt so good.
