When I started college, I thought I knew everything about everything. But isn't that how we all feel when we turn 18? We're adults, we know what we're doing and where we're going in our lives. We're invincible. As long as we're young, nothing can stop us. The thing is, that absolutely isn't true. As long as we're young, anything can stop us, and that's an incredibly scary thing to face, which I'm certain is why we never admit to ourselves that fact. I know I didn't until it was time for me to face the music, so to speak.
My junior year of college, I was attending the University of Arkansas in Fayetteville. I came home for fall break, and my life changed in one weekend. I had seizures, something that I never would have expected to happen to me. I was normal, healthy even. But, instead of being the super-powered, invincible young adult that I had come to think of myself as, I found that I had weaknesses just like any of the adults in my life that I had grown up around. Realizing that the people around me who had been telling me constantly that I didn't know everything and I was capable of falling were right all along was one of the hardest moments in my life.
I had to move home after this, which was the next hardest thing. I hated everyone, myself included. I was sure that the weaknesses I had were my fault. But instead, I blamed everyone else. I closed myself off from family and any possibility of making new friends at the school I was attending for the time being.
What I realize now, but what I didn't have the capacity to realize then, was that I was not allowing myself to let go. I was grieving for the life I had created in another city, but instead of moving forward, like an adult would do, I was attempting to stay in a place (physical and metaphorical) I no longer could inhabit.
Near the end of that semester of school, I was asked to join the debate team at the school, an offer which I accepted cautiously. I had never done anything like that before, and was nervous about what strengths I could bring to the team. But this is something that actually changed the way my life played out.
The next semester of school started, and I began to try new things. I tried out for the musical and made it. I competed with the debate team. The next semester I got a job, took vocal lessons, joined the jazz band, even entered into a new relationship. Once I realized that, in fact, my life was not over, but just changing, it gave me a completely different outlook on life.
Our lives change constantly, whether we want them to or not, and we must adapt with them to help ease these changes. Whether we like it not, what matters is how you see yourself through. If we cannot let go of the life we once had, we will not move forward into the life we are destined to have. Even if your life before was special, the life you will have is even more beautiful.
I loved everything about my life in Fayetteville, but someone, somewhere decided I needed a change. When I finally let go and let my life take its natural course, the pieces fell into place for me. Now, my life is far from perfect, and I never expect it to be. But what I expect from myself is to always realize that my future is constantly changing as I make decisions for myself, and I should never be afraid to take control of that future.
I urge all of you to do the same.
Never forget about your past and the memories you have, because these are the memories that have made you... you. I know that I still have so many great memories to look back on and treasure. But always look forward, because the moment you stop to think and wish you could go back, you forget about the many positives coming to you in your future.
I know the future is hard to wait for, because you never know what you'll get until it happens. I promise you though, coming from experience, it is absolutely worth waiting for. I haven't even gotten half of what I know I will, but I'm content with waiting until the time is right.
Letting go is one of the hardest things you will ever do, but it is also one of the most therapeutic and beneficial aspects to your life if you let it be. Love yourself and how you are now, not who you were, or who you were with, or where you were.
I know that I am a better adult, and a better person, because of my decision to let go and take control of the life I have in the present. It's definitely not perfect, but it's the most amazing adventure I'll ever have, and that makes it special.
"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be." -Douglas Adams
