I'll set the scene for you:
It's 6 a.m. in the middle of March 2018 and you're on a peaceful journey with Disney's Pocahontas and John Smith when a phone miraculously goes off in the 1600s. But then you realize that there are no phones in this time period and you stir awake. You look over at the buzzing phone and think for a split second
"I'll just call whoever back when I get up."
But your eyes focus on the caller ID that says "Dad" and all at once everything you have been worrying about comes roaring back into your head. You scramble out of bed, unconsciously apologizing to your roommate for being loud and run into the hallway. You swipe right.
"She didn't make it."
There are no words for losing your mother at the age of nineteen. I have been striving to find them the past few months since she passed and nothing captures the pain. I think that's the thing -- some pain is indescribable. It takes immeasurable courage to accept that you can never fully heal it with words -- or heal it at all for that matter.
Grief is never something forced. You can't "make" yourself grieve for someone nor ignore the sensation when it passes through. I've also started to believe that grieving -- once occuring -- always stays.
A lot of reflection happens when you have to grieve. A lot of lessons are learned; a lot of realizations occur. That's why grieving is different for everyone.
We don't all think the same, so therefore every passing varies.
I am still struggling with taking things day by day, going about my normal routine and having moments, (or even periods of time) when I am not even thinking about my mother. The guilt boils within me. And even worse - anger comes out. It lashes out.
Why does life seem normal? It shouldn't be normal.
But that's it. The hardest lesson in grieving is accepting the inevitable truth that...
Life moves on.
The sun rises and sets. Adults go back to work. Students go back to school. The media fixates itself on the next celebrity drama, and the news blares the latest political scandal.
It's no wonder most people rush through the grieving process. We are forced by society to GET OVER the pain. Not feel the pain.
It seems absolutely impossible to pretend to act normal when you don't feel normal.
I can't sit here and tell you that this lesson to be learned ever gets any easier. Because I am still growing with it. I am still feeling every emotion and mind-blowing abnormality that comes when my brain attempts to understand death...let alone the death OF MY mother.
What I do know is this. Without feeling, without experiencing, without embracing how we feel and struggle with the loss that we deal with, we will always be trying to get over the pain. You don't just "get over" losing a loved one.
There is nothing that can take the pain away. But eventually, you will find a way to live with it. There will be nightmares. And every day when you wake up, it will be the first thing you think about. Until one day it will be the second thing.
