Leaving it all behind

I The funny thing about friendship is that you start off believing in it. You think these people are going to be the ones that will stand by you through it all. And then sometimes life throws curve balls. Those who you thought stood behind you, really didn't. And sometimes, when you thought you were standing behind them, you really weren't. The painful realization is that the loss of a friendship is not just one person's fault.
In my life, there seemed to be a break in communication, in trust. And it was my fault.

Our friendship began at the start of college. The four years that are supposed to be the best four years of your life. In a class that was supposed to be more of your "entrance into college life" class. I met my friends there. Through the next few months we would do almost everything with each other. It got to the point where at least 2 of us could say that we didn't really "live" in the dorms we were assigned to. There were so many memories, laughs, good times that, to this day, I can still picture it as if it were yesterday.
Racing across a high ropes course - having "standing breakfast dates" after our first classes - racing down the hills on long boards behind the university. Playing "never have I ever" when a power-outage took the whole school. Memories that will always stay with me.
By the end of the semester - I became someone I didn't want to be. By then, something had happened that caused my heart and my head to fly out of control. I was lost, drowning and unable to find the surface. And like a dog trapped in a corner, instead of whimpering, I retaliated. I lashed out and fought the only people I care about. It wasn't fair. I didn't mean for it to happen. But that's what happened.
I started the battle that should have never existed. I started it, and at some point, for others, it wasn't worth fighting anymore.

I had gone away for a while and for a long time it felt like my whole personality had changed when I returned. I had this focus about me, but it wasn't always a good thing. For most of my life it felt as though I was chained inside my own body. I was chained to the floor and unable to protect myself. But now, the chains were broken - and again, not always a good thing.
The communication changed. the cracks that were already there began to widen. I blamed myself.

I hated myself for losing those who I held closest to me. And then I realized something.
Life goes on.
Yes, the friendships that were broken were my fault and I will not dispute that at all. But I can also see that my friends are happy. They are still focusing on school and still doing what they do. Who am I to step in between and ruin it? So I did something that I never wanted to do.
I began to leave it behind me.

I stopped telling myself that I deserved worse because of what I had done. I started to love who I wanted to love. And I started to love without limitations. Instead of looking at my old friends and remembering that bad that had happened, I began to remember the good. Because the good outweighed the bad anyways.

I didn't want to let go. But when I did, I found myself happier, and my old friends happier as well.