Breakups suck. (Note to self: What a truly eloquent and articulate way to begin my first article). Sometimes they are unavoidable/mutual/amicable, and sometimes the other person is a morally reprehensible turd. In which case you, reader, would be absolutely justified in unleashing this perfectly curated medley of vitriolic tunes (mostly from the '00s, that golden era of music) upon your no-good ex. Or you could, you know, be the bigger person and let it go, or whatever - do the thing all the adults do. Whatever you choose to do, know that you’re wise and beautiful and that there is nothing wrong with letting baby Jesse McCartney sing your rage away.
I have had to limit this playlist to a mere five songs but I will attempt to cover a variety of scenarios and emotions. Naturally, owing to the large number of morally reprehensible turds infesting this world and the mind-boggling variety of terrible things they have done, this will be far from adequate. Feel free to add your own in the comments!
1. “I Don’t F*ck With You” - Big Sean (Ft. E-40)
Not from the '00s, I know, but truly a breakup classic for the ages. I would recommend listening to it at all times, but for those of you who do not love Big Sean as much as I do, this song is ideal for those moments when you find yourself absolutely DONE with your ex’s craven, turd-like ways and must express your disdain through vitriolic rap punctuated by odd wails. Big Sean is a genius and must be revered as such for this magnificent ditty. Orpheus himself would be jealous.2. “Leave, (Get Out)” - JoJo
I have promised you ‘00s classics and I will deliver. Not sure whether to leave/ what leaving means? JoJo will explain in clearer terms - Get. Out. This song is ideal for when you need a breakup song with a PLOT TWIST. "Leave (Get Out)" is a lyrical labyrinth. Surprise the morally reprehensible turd in your life!
3. “It’s Over”- Jesse McCartney
I have no shame in admitting I had a massive crush on Jesse McCartney as a tween and early teen (around the same time I wrote an entire journal full of love notes to Spider-Man). The next year, I started listening to death metal and forgot Jesse McCartney even existed. Inexcusable, of course, I can offer no excuses but I will tell you that I have since learnt the error of my ways. McCartney has no equal when it comes to telling your morally reprehensible turd in his dulcet, eternally adolescent (to me, at least) voice that it is, without the shadow of a doubt, over.4. “Up Out My Face” - Mariah Carey (Ft. Nicki Minaj)
Sometimes, your vitriolic song needs require something out of the ordinary. Look no further than this amazing song featuring the combined forces of famously feuding queens of sass, Mariah and Nicki. This song contains innumerable casual disses and also for some reason, both Mariah and Nicki in nurse costumes in the video. Also, the lyrics for this literally read “HAHAHAHAHA” at various points, and what better place for maniacal cackling than this playlist? I especially recommend the lines, “If you see me walking by you / Boy don’t you even speak / Pretend you on the sofa / And I’m on the TV” and the oddly specific, but devastating, “If we were two Lego blocks / Even the Harvard University graduating class of 2010 / Couldn’t put us back together again” (No word on whether the classes of 2009 or 2011 could manage it, though).5. “What Goes Around…Comes Around” - Justin Timberlake
Do you ever find yourself worrying that we live in a fundamentally unjust world and that the morally reprehensible turd in your life will forever go unpunished? Don’t worry, Justin Timberlake is here to assure you otherwise. What goes around…comes around. If you’re a morally reprehensible turd, someday, karmic retribution will catch up with you. You might think yourself safe, you might continue your turd-like behavior with impunity, but one day Timberlake will show up and point his finger at you thus, and justice will then be served.
Image Credit
Special thanks to my amazing friend, Mary Clare, who, like Big Sean, is a genius.
