I don't know if I am suppose to start this off by saying "hey" or "howdy" or give a specific intent. So, I am choosing to just start out by saying, I don't really know how to write or be grammatically correct. In college, I always got 85's on my papers, not because they were poorly executed but just poorly structured. So if my research papers were poorly executed, this is probably gonna be a shit show but at least it'll be my shit show.
I am 22, well almost. I am from a small little town in North Carolina but now I am living full time in Raleigh, NC. I love the city because it is completely different than where I grew up, but there is still nothin' like home. I have been working full time for about 7 months now, I graduated in May (yes during COVID). I don't know what else to say, so here are just some random things about me: My birthday is March 24, I have a younger brother, I look exactly like both of my parents, I have glasses, I had braces for 3 years, my favorite subject in school was science, I love being from a small town even though I love the city, I love the beach, I have two dogs, I am much more of a beer girl than wine, I bite my nails when I am anxious, I am very self-conscious of my giant feet, I think sloths are the coolest animal, I consider myself a hot dog connoisseur, I am a secret Megan fan, the Golden Girls will always be my go to show, I don't know how to ride a bike, I am scared of birds, NC State is the best North Carolina school, I will never forgive Tom Brady for leaving the Patriots, I have a scar on my left knee that looks like a meatball, The Town is a cinematic masterpiece, I want to travel as much as I can in life, my parents are my bestfriends, I have a strong southern accent, tea should only be sweet and iced, Harry Potter isn't that big of a deal, OJ did it, sushi is my favorite food besides my mama's dumplings, i still believe in dating instead of the never-ending talking stage, i think men should open my door and still wear cowboy boots, dunkin donuts is superior to starbucks, i love day trips, riding with my windows down blaring country music, records are my favorite thing in the world, my gas station order is a hot pickle with a mountain dew, i am trying to convince my brother to take me fishing with him, I wanna learn to knit, I wish I read books more, I am quiet until I am comfortable, if I could have any one meal again it would be my nana's homemade biscuits with a slice of tomato, Jesus is the center of my life, I have one tattoo, and I don't think pineapple goes on pizza.
So why am I writing this? Why am I starting an online journal and sharing it publicly? What is the point of all this?
Honestly, I don't know. I have always enjoyed writing a little but not enough to have a blog or learn the proper use of commas. Journaling has been an off and on habit of mine, I wouldn't say it has made a major impact on my life but I am trying to look at it differently now. I guess I am just realizing that I hold too much in and have to start letting it out. I am someone who loves to share with those I trust, but most of the time I get too emotional so I figured this this could cut down on the tears I shed to others. Mostly, I just wanted to find away to talk to myself and allow my mind to be loud so that maybe my thoughts won't be so loud every second of everyday. I just want to set aside a time and place for sharing my thoughts with myself and then move on so that maybe I can reign in some of my inner thoughts. I tend to over stress all the time, like literally all the time. I mean, half my job is sitting in silence and that is just the brightest green light for my stress to start racing. Hell, showers are suppose to be calming and refreshing, but I will find a way to stress. Honestly, it doesn't make sense, the amount of stress I have because it literally consumes me. Even when things are good, I stress and I worry so my brain is just constantly going. Many times I don't know if I am stressing about something worth stressing over or if I am just stressing because I am not stressed enough, which then makes me stressed because maybe I shouldn't have stressed about something but now I am stressed because it has turned into something worth stressing over. See? This is how my brain works 99.99% of the time. I have realized there are a lot of things I'd like to talk about without having to emotionally burden someone else or that I just feel like aren't brought up. There are some things too, that I don't necessarily feel like I need to talk to others about but more myself, and I just feel like talking to myself in the mirror would make me feel unstable. I am not one much for therapy, I have tried it so many times and it just isn't my cup of tea. So, I think this is gonna be my therapy. I am aware of the issues within myself, that's the thing. I don't need a stranger to tell me the "why" or "how", because I already know these things. I know what is wrong and "what has hurt me", but it is more of executing how to move on or grow from the experiences. Hopefully, journaling can help me get more out of my mind and I can figure out how to move on from bad practices or things that aren't working now.
I have a good life, there is nothing catastrophically wrong with my life. I grew up in a two parent household, I went to college and I have a good job; but it's more of the everything in between that I struggle with. I was popular and had friends, but I always worried I would be replaced or wouldn't have enough friends. I grew up with great parental relationships, but always tried to compensate for the things my parents gave up to raise me. I was happy most of my school years, but I also began to struggle with anxiety and excessive stress. I was very close to my family growing up, but I have also watched pretty much all my grandparents die. I smiled a lot and was always happy, but I hated my body and was embarrassed of myself. In short, I have always worried and feared not being enough. Looking back on my life, it really has been good and I am so thankful God has allowed me almost 22 years on Earth. Although, I can't help but be weighed down by a lot of things that haven't worked out the way I'd hoped. I have always been someone who looks on the brighter side, I always try to see the good in others and believe that there is more good than bad. However, the past few years had been the most emotionally draining years of my life and I don't even have a husband, kids or a mortgage. When I complain about my life, I always feel bad and I always try to put a disclaimer of "but it could be worse" or "I have a good life and I am happy". But I am starting to think, I don't necessarily have to keep putting that disclaimer in my rants about how disappointed I am with things in my life. I obviously know that others have had harder experiences and for that, I understand that my disappointments could be way more but that doesn't mean my feelings are invalid. I am allowed to be sad and upset just like someone who is doing better or worse; I think that is the first step in me understanding that it is okay to be sad sometimes. I am the type of person that if I can't resolve my issues or I can't find some time of relief, I will continue to think on it and that is when my stress really gets the best of me. I think this is due to me not wanting myself to be happy, I obviously do want to be happy but I guess I am just scared to be happy and focused on the good and then not be prepared for when something bad happens. I think this stems from graduating high school and going on a trip to Boston with my dad and being excited for college, to being extremely depressed due to school, then losing my grandpa suddenly and my nannie's cancer diagnosis (but that is for a different post). I just feel like I am suppose to keep a guard up 24/7. Even in relationships and dating, if I allow myself to get invested, I allow myself to potentially be hurt. I have never been the girl to go on dates or even allow myself to think a guy would be interested in me because I know that it'll just end in me being upset. Like now, I allowed myself to lower my guard a little and I am already hurt from it (but again, a story for a different post). Ultimately, I just don't know what is special about me and what makes my life so great, or even not so great. So I am hoping that this blog will help me figure out who I am and what I can do to allow myself to be happy.
I feel like this is a good place to stop. I have a lot of topics to talk about, and that might change. This isn't professional and it isn't structured. The only rule I have is to write everyday and post every other day, this will keep me accountable. As I am finishing this up, it feels stupid but I am still gonna give this a try and really give it a shot.