Growing up, we were told that life isn't fair. As I grow older, I realize just how small the word "fair" is. Why do bad things happen to the best people? Why does life knock you down, just when you're beginning to stand up? I wish we had all of the answers, but there are some situations that just do not make sense... at the time.
Sometimes bad things happen because God has a bigger plan, but it's hard to understand his plan when it feels like this dull feeling will never go away. Often we separate our lives into stages. Some are fun and easy, others are stressful and difficult. Nothing compares to the fear that comes from stage four cancer, especially when it has made its way into the one person you adore the most. It's hard to be brave when it seems like things keep getting worse. It's hard to be brave when bad things happen to the people you love. It's hard to be brave when being brave is all you can do. God tells us to be courageous and to trust in him, but that is way easier said than done. I have to learn that he is greater than anything, even stage four breast cancer.
Everyday that is left unanswered is another hard day, but each day I’m learning to give him my burdens. These burdens are far too heavy for me to carry on my own, and I just cannot go on without help. My heart becomes lighter and lighter, and smiles come easier and easier. Laughter suddenly seems less like a chore, and more of a natural response again. I am so thankful that I serve a God that is not only patient, but also gives me some of that patience too. He understands how hard times like these are for us, yet he still holds on, waiting for us to eventually give it all to him. I am pushing myself to allow him to carry me through hard situations, but also taking it one day at a time. Each day I learn a little bit more about the sadness that has taken over my life, and begin to transform it into something more tolerable.
Sadness can sometimes feel like a prick and other times like a stab. Either way, smiling definitely does not seem possible when sadness is lingering. Forcing a smile seems ridiculous and unnecessary, but I’ve learned that sometimes smiling is exactly what I need to overcome the sadness. It’s like when you start working out; the first few days are forced and extremely hard, but soon you realize that you don’t have to try so hard. One day I’ll be able to smile all on my own, and I will continue to aim for that day.
Surrounding myself with people that want to share their smile with me has helped me get through, and I will continue to make sure I am around those kinds of people. God has placed these special individuals in my life to not only fight this battle with me and my loved ones, but also comfort me when trusting him seems especially hard to do. I am forever grateful for these people, and I will continue to let them help me fight. For now, I will try my best to put all my trust in God and smile, even when I’m sad.