"Before you say 'yes' to others, make sure that by doing so you are not saying 'no' to yourself" - Pablo Coelho

For most of my life, I had always been the "yes" girl. Need to borrow some money? Need a paper done? A ride home from the bar at 4 a.m.? An arm and a leg for literally nothing in return? I was always your go to girl. Up until recently, I was the girl that was always willing to lend a helping hand to those in need, regardless of the cost or consequence. That's just the way I was raised. But what I was neglected to be informed about when Iearning that "sharing is caring" and to "do unto others as you would like to be done unto you" was that out in the real world, people can be selfish and ruthless. That when somebody wants something from you, they will go to extreme lengths to get it; even if that means hurting or walking all over you in the process. I'm not saying that everyone you come into contact with will be like this, but that's not to say that you should turn a blind eye to reality and expect that everyone was raised with the same morals and values that you were, because chances are, they weren't. And if you are someone who can be easily influenced (like I was), just know that allowing people to mistreat and manipulate you into doing things that you had no desire to do in the first place is a recurring cycle that will continue until you grow a backbone and put an end to it.

Another factor that contributed to my belief that saying no was a bad thing was my previous experience with being bullied in high school. This, coupled with an overwhelming desire to fit in and to not cause issues with people allowed me to believe that if I said yes to people more often, it would make them like me and avoid the problems I had faced in the past. I was wrong. I mean, don't get me wrong, it worked - but only for a short while. I quickly began to discover that by saying yes out of fear, I was only hurting myself. The people that were asking me to go above and beyond for them were not my friends, or my family (not that it would be acceptable even if they were); these weren't people that cared about me. These were people that saw my kindness as weakness and knew just how to exploit it to their benefit. The worst part was, despite coming to this realization, I still felt like I couldn't stand up for myself and just say no. I was so worried that doing so would make these people dislike me, bad-mouth me to others, and create conflicts that I wasn't ready to handle.

The notion portrayed by society that it is impolite or rude to say no also greatly influenced my desire to extend myself to someone in need. Aside from being raised to help people when asked and to always be willing to lend a helping hand when possible, society also played a major role in this belief that I had to say yes more often than not. In this day and age, women are held to a higher standard in certain social situations. An example of this is when a guy asks a girl out and she feels obligated to say yes so that she doesn't seem rude, or when a girl says yes to her first time with a guy out of guilt, even when she know's she is not ready to take that next step. We are taught that saying no is a negative, which contributed to my willingness to allow people to take advantage of me.

It wasn't until the end of my junior year of college that I finally took a step back and reflected on what I had really gained by allowing myself to be manipulated so easily. The answer was nothing. Nothing but shame and regret. It was only after I had been mistreated by people I thought were my best friends, guys that had used me until they got bored and moved on, and selfish peers who knew just what to say to get me to do anything they wanted that I finally understood that allowing people to use you for their own personal benefit was not something to be proud of. There really is a such thing as being too nice, and I had reached that capacity tenfold. In the weeks before summer approached, after being mistreated by yet another person in my life, I decided that enough was enough. It was from that day forward that I set my standards and stuck to them like glue.

Now, there is no one on the face of the planet that can make me go against anything that I don't want to do, be it as small as lending a dollar. I have finally, after all these years, learned how to put my foot down in any situation.

So, to anyone who feels that they have to say yes out of kindness, respect or outright fear of what someone's reaction may be, I am here to tell you that you are wrong. "No" is a complete sentence. It does not require justification or explanation. It is okay to choose yourself every once in a while. There is nothing written down in the book of how to be a good person that says you have to say yes to anything. You don't. You don't owe anyone anything. You have a right to your morals, your values and your opinions. More importantly, you have the right to speak your mind. Saying no does not make you weak, or rude. It makes you strong. I will be the first to admit that it may not always be easy to stand up for yourself, but it will certainly be worth it to know what you stand for and more importantly what you will not stand for - and in the long run, people will respect you for that.

I am no longer someone who is afraid of someone not liking me because they don't like what I have to say. I do not define myself by the way people view me. I know what I bring to the table and what I have to offer, and because of this I will never allow someone to make me feel bad because they cannot respect my standards and my boundaries. Because quite frankly, at the end of the day, anyone who gives you a hard time for having a limit and standing by it is not a friend. That is not even a person that you should ever want to surround yourself with. Do not allow yourself to be controlled by someone's opinion of what you should be.Those are the toxic people that will bring you down and make you lose sight of who you are; I know because it happened to me. It can happen to anyone.

So please, I urge you, if you ever find yourself surrounded by people like that, people who walk all over you and take advantage of your heart and your kindness - cut them out of your life, uncompromisingly and unapologetically. You will thank yourself for it later.

Find people that will accept for who you are. Surround yourself with friends that respect you and have your best interests at heart. People that might ask you for some favors now and then, but would never hold it against you when you choose to say the word "No". Believe me, it can be done.

Up until a few months ago, I was the "yes" girl and a people pleaser. Now I know better. I know that there is absolutely nothing wrong with saying no and standing your ground, and I've become a stronger, smarter, and an overall better person for it.