When you find the right way to grieve, would you please write a book and send it to me?
I will pay you for it! I want it to be simple, all encompassing and at the end of the book I want a diploma that says I am done. I don't have to do it anymore and it will never affect me again. Quick, I forgot to say that I want the book and the process to be quick. The sooner it is done, the better. Am I alone here? Anyone else want this book?
I sometimes feel like grief is sitting in the shadows waiting until I forget to be sad only to jump out and yell "Gotcha!". Other times I feel like it just hangs around forever like the cartoon rain cloud that just follows me everywhere I go. Sometimes it disappears for so long that I think it is gone, and then I hear that song and I remember. Sometimes it is thick mud. I have a hard time walking without falling or losing my shoes. Other times it is a tiny puddle that I jump in like an old memory and splash in it just for fun. Then there is the black hole. The one that I resist at all costs because I don't know where it ends.
Life is complicated. Relationships are complicated and therefore grief is complicated. Bummer. Here are some things I've been experiencing when it comes to grief. Maybe you can relate?
It Isn't Always Loss Of A Person
I have experienced extreme grief and loss from losing a job, a competition, a favorite piece of jewelry, a dream, a dog, and a friendship. You see I get attached to things and ideas too. Usually it is that the thing or idea really meant something to me and my sense of self was somehow attached to it. I wanted that job and I don't know who I am without it. I wanted to win and I never thought about how it would feel to lose. I bought that ring on a trip to Venice and had the best memories when I looked at it. I wanted my dreams to come true and live happily ever after but my ending wasn't the fairy tale. That dog licked the tears from my face when I had not another soul in the world to turn to. We used to be the best of friends and I don't understand how that changed. This is real grief and should not be minimized. Feelings not felt do not disappear. They can return at another time and usually with more potency because they had to wait so long to be felt.
It Isn't Always Something That Is Lost
Grief in fact can be for something that you never had in the first place. I didn't go away to college and experience normal college life. I feel weird and sad when people have their college trips down memory lane and I cannot relate. I was commuting, working a full time job or three, married and nursing a newborn in college. I don't have a football team, college buddies or closets full of my college team gear. When fall rolls around, I feel no desire to root for any team and I've never in my life tailgated. It is a small thing, but there are times when it pulls at my heart and makes me feel like I missed out on something. That is a loss. I fully understand that there are people who don't even get the opportunity to go to college in any capacity and I want to shame myself for feeling bad about my experience, but a loss is a loss and should be honored as such.
It Can Knock The Wind Out Of You
They say that the depths of your grief are equal to the depths of your love. Ummm...that is scary. I don't know about you but I have people in my life that I love fiercely. I love them so much that my heart wants to burst when I look at their face. And they are going to die. All of them. No one makes it out alive. It can produce a fear of loss in me that makes me want to reign in the love. It is a risk to love deeply and sometimes even the thought of losing those that I love is enough to knock the wind out of me. The reality is that it really does hurt that much. The good news is that our bodies and brains have tools to deal with it. Distraction, denial, time, waiting until you feel safe enough to deal with it. When that isn't enough, we have support groups, books, prayer, family and friends, hobbies, memories, medication, telephones, therapists and chocolate.
I'm telling you from experience. I've had people in my life and my worst fear was that they would die and I would be left here to pick up the pieces. They died. I was left to pick up the pieces. I'm still here. I went through years when I couldn't feel it. I got busy and stayed busy and didn't allow the feelings to come. Then I got tired. When I rested, the feelings would pop up sometimes. I would deny, distract, eat chocolate. Then one day the flood gates opened and I thought for sure I would drown. All of it came up and it scared the heck out of me. I prayed, reached out for support, read books, talked to family and friends and ate chocolate. I let myself have the memories, good and bad, but I set a time limit on it so I didn't get lost there. I ate a lot of chocolate. I felt that rain cloud and that mud for a year or more. Not every day, but a lot of the days. I didn't want to feel it but I had someone in my life that reminded me that if I didn't let the feelings come, they wouldn't go away but get stronger.
Feeling It Does Helps
When I let it come and wash over me, it hurts. I cry. I feel fear and sadness and anger. Once I let it happen, there is a release. The more I let it come, the less overwhelming it is. I feel like I am making peace with it. It doesn't go away but it doesn't follow me around everyday all day raining on me. I try to remember that the depths of my sadness are a reminder of the depths of my love and that makes me smile. It feels good to have loved like that. Don't get me wrong, in life, it wasn't all love and good feelings. I deal with that too. But there is no reason to deny those good times of pure love that you sometimes got to share.
Sometimes We Need Help
Grief feels bad. Grief is painful. Grief is hard and exhausting work. You should know this because you will think there is something wrong with you. What is not normal is feeling like you want to hurt yourself. Feeling like you can't function at all and losing interest in anything that used to bring you joy for extended periods of time, concerning. Not caring for yourself and neglecting personal health and hygiene for extended periods of time, dangerous. These are times to call in the professionals. I'm not ashamed to admit that I have seen therapists throughout the years. I needed their help to get unstuck or to get tools to move forward. I've contemplated medication and have tried yoga, hypnosis, reiki, and massage. Only you can decide what works for you, but know that you will need help on this journey.
I've looked for the book with the quick, easy answers and the diploma. I've yet to find it. The path I've traveled is messy and there appears to be no graduation. There does seem to be hope though. Hope that with support, tools, and love I can make it through grief so that I'm available to live and love with those still here with me. I wish the same for you, and if you don't have it - call me. I've been where you are and can walk with you.
