This last year has been a learning process. I am understanding how to grieve and learning my new normal. One thing that was amplified over the last several months is how blessed I am to be surrounded by the most amazing family, boyfriend, friends, and coworkers I could ask for.
Here are some of the other things that are OK, in case you were wondering, need to hear them, or just need something to disagree with:
It's ok to be angry. It's ok to snap at people, even if they have lost someone, too. You can whip and lash all you like. No one will think less of you. No one will leave. It's ok if you want them to. It's even ok to push people toward the door. To slam it on them. To refuse to open. It's ok to ignore people who are grieving. You're allowed to leave texts on read, emails unopened, and calls not returned.
It's ok if you want to be alone. And it's ok if you don't.
If you want to take time off of work, that's fine. It's also ok if all you want to do is work. You can be distracted. It's ok if you don't want to be distracted. If all you want to do is remember, furiously, ferociously, as though you will never get your fill of memories.
It's ok if sometimes you laugh. And it's ok if you don't want to. You can seek out joy. You can have it, too. It's ok if sometimes — just for a second, even just for a little bit — you forget that you lost something, entirely.
It's ok to be scared. It's ok to numb. It's ok to burn with fearful fuel your body holds. These are scary things, in terrifying times.
You don't have to be brave, but it's ok if you want to try.
It's ok to cry. You can cry for days, you can cry for years. You don't have to cry, at all. Remember in all the many milliseconds ahead in your life, every time you cry for your loss, and all the times you don't it's ok. Your tears need no reason and they certainly don't need an ending.
In your beloved's greatest moments, it's ok if you need to grieve. It's ok if you have a plethora of tears remembering their joy. They do not need those tears. They do not need your apologies — though, of course, it's ok to give them.
It is ok to be selfish. You are allowed to heal yourself — first, foremost, and always. Whatever action you choose, or don't, from this moment forward, please remember that they are, all of them, ok.
Take your time. Whenever you need space to reflect, to grow, to heal, to change, take your time. Sometimes it takes a strenuous effort to meet ourselves where we want to be, where we need to be, so it is alright if your progress is slower than your expectations. Take your time. Breathe. You will get there eventually.
Sometimes God has another plan for you, your family, and your heart. The pain is excruciating and it may be that way for the rest of your life, but you can choose to make the most of the hand you have been dealt with. Your grief and joy CAN coexist. Fight when you can and fall down to your knees when you can't. Take it one day at a time.
