I recently made a YouTube video about how to do your makeup for a good, sustainable, everyday sort of look. Just kidding. I completely make fun of the whole thing as it is ridiculous. Regardless, I will be promoting that now, as a little shameless self promotion never hurt anyone (except for "artists" or whatever, disgusting). I don't understand social media. Unless you are a potential employer, in which case I assure you that I am incredibly well-versed in these sorts of things.

The video:

Here's a quick recap with bonus jokes.

Step 1: Start your makeup routine by considering who you are, and why it is inferior.

Step 2: Take a look at your foundation. It is strange, isn't it? It's too late to change it now. Put some on your fingers, and apply it to your face. Rub, or something?

Step 3: Put concealer on all of your disgusting blemishes.

Step 4: Time for your eyebrows. They must be "on fleek." They must be "on fleek," or you will be killed. Fleek, damn it. Fleek.

Step 5: Put stuff on your mouth. The stuff you put on your mouth can be either colorful or not colorful, but neither both nor neither of those things. I said "neither" too much in that sentence.

Step 6: Look into your eyes. What do you see? Skin color? That must change. Now.

Step 7: Go for a smokey eye — nothing is more flirty yet doable (in every sense of the word). Grab the matches and prepare for maximum smokey.

Step 8: Apply Neosporin to the affected eye.

Step 9: Go to the hospital for having Neosporin in your eye.

Step 10: Be complimented by the attending for the rest of your face.

Step 11: Say thank you (you should always be polite, after all).

Step 12: Go home, apply ointment to affected eye bi-hourly for two days.

Step 13: Now that you can't sleep for the next 48 hours, might as well apply more makeup!

Step 14: Take out some nice subtle black sparkly eye shadow.

Step 15: Just go to town on the unaffected eye. Very important is that it is the unaffected eye!

Step 16: You're all set! Time to go out on the town! And hey, you look great!