In the past twelve months, my life has changed in so many different ways that I have whiplash. If someone told me last year that this is where I would be, and that this is what I'd be doing, I'd call them crazy.
For those of you who don't know, I have very severe anxiety, accompanied by panic attacks. I'm very open about this as I've been living with it for about seven years now. After the passing of my Grandma in 2010, I started having anxiety associated with guilt, pain, and sickness. As time went on, I started to get anxious about people dying and people leaving me (clearly a repercussion of the death of my Grandmother.) During my senior year of High School, (2014/2015) all of my college choices heavily relied on its distance from my home. I was involved in the application as little as possible. I eventually ended up choosing to attend SUNY Cortland. On July 5th, 2015, my dad and I left to go to orientation. I was feeling okay, and not as nervous as I thought I'd be. The orientation was fine throughout the day as I walked around the campus with my dad and split into groups to meet different people, even some kids from my major. When my dad left and it got dark, we went to the dorms we’d be staying in that night. When standing in the hall for a floor meeting, I started to have an attack. I got dizzy, my temperature sky-rocketed in a matter of seconds, and I couldn’t breathe. For those of you who have never had a panic attack, it basically feels like you’re having a heart attack. My phone was dead which was a huge problem because they only person who could ever get me through an attack was my mom, who wasn’t there. It eventually passed, and I thought everything was fine. I thought. After going swimming with some friends I felt nervous again and actually threw up. This just escalated the attack because I have a fear of throwing up. I wanted my dad to come pick me up, but I knew I would be extremely mad at myself if I gave up. Also, it was 11 pm, and it would be dangerous for my dad to be driving on winding upstate roads with no streetlights. One of my closest friends Kaitlyn, whom I’ve known for years, was at the orientation with me and walked me back to the dorm. Walking down the halls, I felt it coming on again, and I actually got sick again. I owe so much to Kaitlyn as she stayed with me for hours while I panicked and tried to get it under control. I was a mess most of the night but eventually the sun came up, and my dad took me home.
The next few months were torture. I was constantly wrestling with the decision as to whether or not I still wanted to go to Cortland. This thought stayed prominent in my mind for the whole next month as my anxiety increased and spiraled out of control. I was having attacks every day, wherever I was. What helped me get through this was therapy and research. There seems to be a stigma about therapy, but I honestly feel that everyone should have an unbiased professional to talk to. My therapist and I came up with a plan. I created a GO bag for my attacks. In this bag I kept a “worry stone” to hold when I start to feel nervous, a stress ball to release the energy, life-savers to keep my mouth from going dry, and I downloaded an app to monitor and help me slow my breathing. Next, we looked up ways to keep myself busy for the first couple of days at school. I made plans with friends and had a set schedule. Finally, I called in advance and set up weekly appointments with a therapist at school. I did it. I made it to Cortland and stayed for the entire semester. I had an amazing time and made endless memories.
In December, I came home for winter break. After a lot of thought, I decided that my journey at Cortland was over and that it just made more sense for me to stay at home, attend St. Joseph’s College, and pursue a Psychology major, while studying acting outside of school with my coach, Robin Allan. School was fine, but I didn’t enjoy the commuter lifestyle as it made it extremely difficult to make friends. I focused on my schoolwork but felt sort of out-of-place at home. Unexpectedly during that semester, Robin Allan passed away. I remember getting into my mom’s car after class with a good grade in hand and seeing her crying. I figured something had happened at work. When she turned to me and said, “I’m sorry, Shannon,” my immediate thought was, “What happened? Who died?” She said “Robin died.” I screamed “Robin ALLAN?!” and she just sobbed. I was screaming and crying, and I felt like I was going to be sick. I felt like my world had just come crashing down. She was such a close mentor and friend to me, and I remember just sitting there with my eyes wide open. I looked like a deer in headlights. I still can’t process it, and I almost e-mail her all the time. (I’d say text, but she hated text’s, she’d always tell me to email her instead.) After a long time of contemplation and knowing that I needed to keep training, I made the decision to apply as a re-admit to Cortland. As of now, I’ve been accepted and I’ll be returning this fall. I have been on the roller-coaster of change this year and all of it has proven to me that I am so much stronger than I thought I was. To those of you out there with anxiety or fear: you are not alone. You are stronger than you think.
“You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.”
-Winnie the Pooh (The quote my mom would send me to remind me that even when I didn’t think I was strong, she always knew I was.) Thank you, Mom.
