Last week I gave some general advice, but this week I asked the Internet if they would like some poor quality guidance. Here are their problems, and here are my shitty answers.

Note: Amanda is the person who writes this column and gives GREAT ADVICE!

Amanda, what are the keys to success?

-Potential Successful Person, Lebanon Valley College

To Potential Successful Person:

JUST WATCH DJ KHALED'S SNAPCHAT STORY AND DON'T WASTE MY TIME WITH YOUR STUPID QUESTIONS. GOODBYE.

Amanda, I am obsessed with Bumble and Tinder. I always use them and I feel bad about myself unless I don't have a lot of boys texting me. I feel like one day, it's going to catch up to me and someone will kill me or I can't be with one person. What should I do?

-Tinder Queen, University of Pittsburgh

To Tinder Queen:

First, keep using the apps. Face-to-face conversations are really hard and frankly, archaic. Talking to someone takes soooooooooo much energy, especially if you're talking to them with the intent of mouth-harassing their face and body. Do not feel ashamed for using these apps; it's THE FUTURE OF DATING, and you're doing something really cool and ~modern~. Also, the world is going to end eventually, so accept your inevitable death (or, in your case, murder) and that your attempts to find love through dating apps are fruitless, because you'll probably die alone. This self-recognition should clear your Tinder troubles and Bumble blues!

Amanda, I have a crush on my boss. He is only four years older than me. But he's my boss. What should I do?

-Flirty Boss Blues, University of Pittsburgh

To Flirty Boss Blues:

CAPITALIZE ON THE SITUATION! Lana Del Rey sings about this problem in every song she's ever written and look at her! She's famous, she has great hair, and she has a legion of sugar daddies to pay for her things if/when her music career goes down the drain. Who cares about the conflict of interest? DATE YOUR BOSS! You'll probably get tons of perks like a pay raise, free food, and bragging rights. No one can say his/her life is like a Lana Del Rey song except you. In the words of Shia LaBeouf, "DO IT."

Amanda, I got my dick stuck in a toaster. Please send help.

-Toaster probz. University of Alaska Fairbanks.

1. How?

2. Get off your laptop and seek real medical attention instead of guidance from a college student who has a Girl Scout level knowledge of First Aid and who's writing a joke advice column for fun.

If you'd like bad guidance for your pressing personal problems, submit them here, and Amanda will answer them eventually!