Kesha, I'm Praying With You

Some people post reaction videos on Youtube. But I've listened to this repeatedly for hours already, and since I don't do reaction videos, I'm going to react in the best way I know how: with my words.

So Kesha, thank you for coming back. Thank you, for prevailing through these five years and coming out stronger. Thank you for inspiring me to do the same, every single day.

Am I dead? Or is this one of those dreams? Those horrible dreams that seem like they last forever. If I am alive, why?

Why?

My life is a nightmare I don't get to wake up from.

You still make me want to die. Sometimes, even still, I sit in the dark by myself and I cry. I pray for it to end. To take away the memories from my eyelids. To forget your face.

To forget mine. Because I hate who stares back at me in the mirror.

What is the lesson? What is the point? God give me a sign or I have to give up.

For two years, I have fought every day to remember that I am a person. To stop myself from fading into nothing, to stop me from being swallowed by the darkness you planted inside of me.

I can't do this anymore. Please just let me die. Being alive hurts too much.

And these are the things I've thought about. When it all feels like too much and I wish God would just let me go. When I actually wish, for just a split second, that I wouldn't wake up, and then I would be free.

Well, you almost had me fooled. Told me that I was nothing without you. Oh, but after everything you've done I can thank you for how strong I have become.

Because even in those brief moments where I want it to stop, I always prevail. I always emerge with more determination, within every cell of my body, to win-- more than you'll ever know. And I win every day I'm alive.

'Cause you brought the flames and you put me through hell. I had to learn how to fight for myself.

I know how to lose a battle. I lose the battle every time I let you in. The second your face flashes through my mind, or I feel the suffocating weight of you crushing me from the inside out, you win the battle. But I will win the war. Because every time I feel the heat of those flames, it rekindles the fire inside of me. Makes me more determined than ever not to let you define me.

And we both know all the truth I could tell.

You slipped off my clothes, you tore out my soul, and you stole the last piece of my humanity from my bones. And as you emptied my self-respect, I hope you realize the hole that you left.

I'll just say this is as I wish you farewell: I hope you're somewhere praying... I hope your soul is changing... I hope you find your peace, falling on your knees. Praying.

I hope there's a human somewhere inside of you, begging to get out. And I hope someday you find him, but I won't stick around to find out.

I'm proud of who I am. No more monsters, I can breathe again. And you said that I was done, well, you were wrong, and now the best is yet to come.

Sometimes I hate myself. Because for a long time, you broke every piece of my body, and I worked endlessly to put it back together again. Because even though you disassembled my pieces, I refuse tolet you break me apart beyond repair.

'Cause I can make it on my own. And I don't need you. I found a strength I've never known.

Because there are things out there in this world; like this song, and my best friend, and this gift to put words on a page, that remind me that it'll be okay. And even when I feel like I will never be better, I am reminded of the incredible things I have done since you hurt me. And there is so much more I will do.

I've been thrown out. I've been burned.

In your wake I've lost so many chances at happiness I can barely keep track. Because every time I get close, I feel the dead leaves falling off the tree that is my soul. I am decaying, infected, and losing the last remaining shreds of hope I have to ever move past this. To find someone I trust to love me.

When I'm finished they won't even know your name.

But I've already lost too much of myself to your damage. And everyday I'm getting one step closer to making that all change. I will take this waste you have made me, and I will turn it into compost and make myself bloom.

Oh, sometimes, I pray for you at night. Someday, maybe you'll see the light. Oh, some say, in life, you're gunna get what you give.

One day, maybe you'll know what it's like to die, and survive it. Every day. Because I have died a thousand times reliving that night through my eyes. And I don't forgive you.

But some things, only God can forgive.