(Spoiler alert: this is most definitely quoted from "Grey's Anatomy")
Every once in a while I think back on the past and murmur to myself, “If only I had done that differently.”
Maybe if I had left five minutes earlier, I wouldn’t have run into my ex at the grocery store, or maybe if I would’ve just bit my tongue instead of telling my crush how much I liked him and being coworkers wouldn’t be so awkward.
If I didn’t wear my heart on my sleeve, maybe he wouldn’t have called me “f***ing psychotic.” If only I cared less, I wouldn’t be hurt.
If only, if only.
I look at the past and wish for do-overs. I think of at least 10 different scenarios that could have taken place if I had done one thing differently.
One thing.
One smile, one word, one nod or one touch could have drastically altered the original outcome. Maybe if I hadn’t invited you over that night we wouldn’t be ignoring each other now. If I could do it over, though, would I do something different? Would I have not invited you over? Would I sacrifice those hours we spent wrapped up in each other just talking and laughing if I had known that we wouldn’t so much as look at each other in two weeks?
Even if I could, I don’t think I would, because yes even if I could take back all the kisses and all the overnight cuddles, if I could erase your smile and the smell of your hair from my memory, if I could put the words, “I really like you” back into my mouth—I wouldn’t.
Because that’s just the way it is. I can’t take any of it back and the funny thing is, I don’t think I would want to. I love the memories I have—the good and the bad—because they made me who I am today. If you hadn’t called me psychotic, maybe I would have never realized that I am not going to be everyone’s cup of tea. Maybe if you hadn’t blown me off three times in a row, I would have never learned to stop trying so hard and to let a man pursue me. Maybe if you hadn’t broken me, I would have never learned how to piece myself back together.
No do-overs. That’s life. You can wish and hope and even pray, if that’s your prerogative, that life will re-work itself out in your favor. That might not happen, that is more than likely not going to happen. Life isn’t about do-overs—it’s about getting it right and sometimes getting it wrong, very wrong—but those failures, those wrongs, and even the rights, are only learning experiences.
Life will not give you do-overs. Life will not rewind or pause for you, but it will be honest, and it will be real. Life will make you think and react and feel in the moment. No do-overs, but if you do it right and if you do it passionately, do you really need another shot?
