I have acute social anxiety, as well as general anxiety. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard the phrase “Just get over it” or, similarly, “Just put yourself out there.” Every time I complain about feeling anxious about meeting new friends or talking to strangers, one of my friends, or even my family members, will tell me I just have to be confident, that I just have to go up to them and talk. They make it sound so easy. For me, it couldn’t be harder.
With anxiety, especially social anxiety, it’s not something we can easily “get over”. For me, when I walk into a place, I see everyone in their little cliques. I see people talking in groups, laughing, having fun. I also see people alone, eating or sitting by themselves.
I can’t talk to either of these people. When I look at the people in groups, I see them as busy and if I were to go up to them and introduce myself, I would feel like I was interrupting their conversation and they would find me to be annoying and rude. I also feel that they would simply say “hi” to me and then return to their conversation, not including me in it, because I am an outsider and they don’t know me.
As for the person alone, I would feel nervous that they want to be alone, they don’t want to talk to anyone. If I went up to them and said “hi”, they would look at me weirdly and possibly move away. Or, they could be anxious like me, and in that case, they would be too scared to talk to me.
These are the thoughts that cloud my head every day. And I cannot simply “Get over it,” because it isn’t that simple. It’s a process. When I was a freshman in high school, I had no friends. I couldn’t talk to anyone.
As I grew and gained more confidence, I was able to talk more. I was confident enough to go to a college in Connecticut, two hours away from my home and all my friends that I am familiar with. I was confident enough to begin the new member process for Alpha Phi Omega, where I am forced to talk to new people and try to bond with them. So, in my own way, I have grown. I am beginning to conquer the anxious voices in my head. However, I am still not confident enough to walk up to people I don’t know and talk to them.
The other day, I was supposed to meet some one for lunch. I was under the impression that we were meeting alone. However, when I arrived for lunch, I saw she was already sitting at a table with several other people. She was in the middle of a conversation, and it looked like they were all having fun. Suddenly, my breath quickened and I felt a lump form in my throat. How could I go up to her now? She was with her friends; she was having fun. I couldn’t interrupt her. Plus, I didn’t know the other people she was with. I
didn’t know if they wanted me there, or if they would think I was weird for joining them. All the seats at the table were filled, so I would have to be extra awkward pulling up a chair or asking one of them to move if I were to go over there. So, suddenly, all my confidence disappeared. I became anxious and I decided that I couldn’t go up to her, that I would meet her another time. When I talked to one of my friends about this event, they started to “yell” at me. “Dude! You just have to go over there, be confident! Everything will be okay! You just have to do it!”
Their words made sense. In theory, it seemed so simple to just approach the girl and say “hi”. Except, I couldn’t do that. It wasn’t possible for me. Once the anxiety entered my brain, my legs seemed to develop a mind of their own.
They wouldn’t allow me to walk over to the girl’s table. My mouth wouldn’t allow me to form words. My only thoughts were all the things that could go wrong, or all the ways in which I could embarrass myself, all the reasons why staying where I was and not going up to her was the best course of action.
To many of you, this may not make sense. Because you’re social, you can talk to people with ease. But for me, I had to learn how to talk. I had to learn how to shut out some of the anxiety so I live my life. My goal now is to get to that place where I no longer feel anxious talking to people I don’t know. It’s just something I have to work on. It’s a process. And it is absolutely not something that I can just “get over”. So next time one of your friends is anxious about going to a party, or talking to a group of strangers, don’t tell them to “just be confident and go for it”. Listen to their feelings, respect their boundaries, and support them as they grow.
