It's that time of year again; romance and allergens are filling the air. The price of waxy chocolate goes up, and if you aren't tricked into it the first two weeks of February, they'll catch you in last half, where you pat yourself on the back for thinking to grab the clearance chocolate, just like the rest of the nation.
But on the night of 'Marvin Gaye-ing' itself, are you going to be prepared? We're here to help with some things you can definitely cross off your shopping list for the bedroom.
1. Plastic Wrap
We all know the phrase, "Wrap it before you tap it. What some people may not know is that this phrase has applications outside of playing tag. Even so, we're pretty sure that enveloping your genitals in plastic wrap is probably not an effective form of contraception.
2. Balloons
Tempting, aren't they? Not only do they incorporate seamlessly into your kinky clown fantasies, but they only cost a dollar for a hundred in all sorts of colors! Condoms probably cost, like, twice that. Yet as far as we can tell, you should probably not use decorations meant for children's parties to try to prevent children. They probably attract them, in fact. Like moths to a festive flame.
3. Bubble Wrap
It makes sense to want to try to protect your package, but this parcel just isn't ready to ship. Bubble wrap may make an interesting time for her, and make every part of love making gentler than ever. Even so, we're still pretty certain that, should some of the bubbles pop, the wrap can no longer be used as a sperm barrier.
4. Giant Inflatable Hamster Balls
We know that as soon as you step off the court with one of these bad boys, you're gonna get swarmed by a sea of adoring fans. Take some time to track down some protection, because although these appear to prevent injury to the torso, arms, and head, your genitals are fairly exposed to all sorts of herpes and such, we think.
5. A Giant Wall Spanning the Border
A lot of people seem to think that this prevents things from getting through, but we're like 99% certain that it doesn't.
6. The Cursed Amulet that lies in an ornate box beneath our bed. I hear it shudder in the middle of winter nights. A single bloody eye dangles from the chain, the iris following me wherever I go-
Look, I know your grandmother swore by it, but she had like nine kids. Half of them weren't even fully human! I agreed to it once, but I had visions of human sacrifice for two weeks. Plus my genitals kinda itched. So we're gonna go ahead and say that it is probably not a condom.
Have you tried one of these methods? Did it turn out that one of these truly is a condom? Comment below!
