February 2014

“Dear God,

My name is Jonathan Lewis and I wrote you a letter some time ago. I wrote you about my friend Andy’s death. He died shortly after the birth of his daughter. After this event, I made the decision to cut ties and be an atheist. But Emma (Andy’s wife) remained faithful. I made fun of her for keeping her phony-bologna religion. How could she pray to the God that killed her husband? How could she find comfort in the arms that strangling her? She keeps saying that You had a plan and that we were not on our time but Yours. I have no idea what that means. So I continued down my path of having a brain and kicking out all that stupid religion nonsense. Face it man only invented religion to feel better about ourselves. All religions are stories created by man. Like really? A spirit got the “virgin” girl pregnant. Maybe she was having too much fun with the shepherd boy and that lie covered it up. So in the last few weeks, I just did not understand Emma’s faith and I still don’t. I do not even know why I am writing this letter because I do not believe you exist. But if but some remote chance you are, leave Emma alone. She does not need false hope and a head full of lies.

Yours Truly,

Jonathan Lewis”

December 2014

“Dear God,

I have a question. This has been weighing on me. If you are perfect then why is there evil in the world? I mean Emma is going to get evicted from her apartment. Without Andy’s income, she fell behind on a few bills and on Christmas day her super told her to beat it by the New Year. She is the most Catholic person I know and this in the hand you dealt her? You stupid, stupid God! Why do people believe in you? You only like to give them s***ty situations and watch them suffer and die. What more can you take? You took her husband, her house and what’s next, her child? I’m done with you.

Yours Truly,

Jonathan Lewis”

January 2015

“Dear God,

I hate you. As soon as I decide to get you out of my life you come back to haunt me like a ghost. Emma moved in with me temporarily as she looks for something she can afford. She even took a part-time job at the church she loves so much. But when she goes to her night shift I watch the baby girl. That beautiful little bundle of smiles and joy makes me think that there is a greater power. But I hate you. So I do not want you to exist. Then I look at baby Audrey and my thoughts go to you. Why? Why, can’t I enjoy her presence without thinking of a higher power? You d***head. You brainwashed me to think of you. Just leave me alone God!

Yours Truly,

Jonathan Lewis”

June 2015

“Dear God,

Thank you. That’s all I can say. Last night Audrey ran a high fever so I took her to the hospital and the doctors were able to help her and keep her alive. Her mother is out of town on a girl’s weekend that she desperately needed. Sitting at Audrey's bedside in the hospital, I was desperate. So I tried the praying thing. After badly butchering the prayers of my youth, I made up my own and just talked to You. I hate to say it, but it made me feel better. So thank you for not taking Audrey.

Yours Truly,

Jonathan Lewis”

August 2015

“Dear God,

Why do you like to torture me? I try to be a nice guy but you do not seem to be rewarding that. Do you know how hard it is to get laid when a widow and her child live in your apartment? Granted, it is not like I had success before. But I was after this one girl at the office for two long years and I finally get her to go out with me. But when we go up to my (*wink wink*) Emma was there. The girl from the office thought she was my wife and stormed out. What the hell, man? How am I supposed to get anywhere with women if you just keep throwing wrenches into the mix? It did not help that Emma called me, “sweetie” when I walked into the house. We have this running joke that we are married. But Emma is my beast buddy’s widow and that is a line I cannot cross. Besides, she is one of those friends that you have of the opposite sex but you never think of dating. You know what I mean. The type of person that everyone thinks, “You’re a mate made in heaven” (pun intended) but you are just friends. Kind of like I am her gay best friend only I am not gay. That happened in college people thought me and Emma would end up together but then she met Andy… and the rest in history. Anyway, it seems that You just hate me.

Yours Truly,

Jonathan Lewis”

September 2015

“Dear God,

God, I F***ed up, real bad. I don’t know what happened… It just all happened so quickly… One thing led to another… My God, I am rambling. (deep breath) I had sex with Emma. I just cannot wrap my head around my sin. I feel dirty and worthless. I can never be forgiven for what I have done. It all started out so innocent and now it is serious. God, please kill me. Just kill me now. My life has not meaning or purpose. I only make things worse. I thought that Emma living here would help her out but now I corrupted her and her no sex until marriage thing. So take me out God, please.

Yours Truly,

Jonathan Lewis”

December 2015

“Dear God,

Kill me, God. Emma had me go to confession and we started to go to Mass together. But God, I only think of her now as a physical object. I ruined our friendship. At Christmas this year she told me she was pregnant… Just kill me.

Yours Truly

Jonathan Lewis”

February 2015

“Dear God,

Okay, what the hell? You killed Andy, right? Andy was a faithful servant of your Church and I am a guy that hates your guts and hates you. But you kill Andy and not me. I have nothing to offer this world. But Andy did. He was going to change the world whereas I f*** it up. I hate you so much. You are just a sadistic son of a b****. Now Emma will be the mother of two without anyone to help her. Because if you will not kill me… I will.

Yours truly,

Jonathan Lewis”

The envelope is signed a sealed then placed on the stack of letters written to no one. Time to end it. In the freezing bitter February air in the morning is the time and the bridge is the place. Nobody is driving this late at night, 2 am. My mother always said nothing good happens after two AM. The icy road is a chore to walk across. My breath turns snow white in the bitter cold. At the end of my rope and on the ledge of the bridge, it’s time.

“Excuse me!” Some dude waves at me on the other end of the bridge. “Young man, are you going to kill yourself?” he asked me.

“Why do you care?”

"Well, I often thought about taking my own life. I thought if I watched you do it then I would have enough courage to do it.”

“Knock yourself out.”

“Smashing,” the stranger started to approach me. Still a good distance away, I cannot see him. “Well, you picked a good night; the air smells of death. May I ask what brought you here, tonight?” The stranger is now holding a popcorn bucket.

“I got a girl pregnant”

“Ah, not ready for fatherhood.”

“What make you say that?”

“If you were ready for fatherhood you would not be here.”

“True.”

“I did that once.”

“What, get a girl pregnant?”

“Yes.”

“What did you do?”

“I married her.” The man was coming into the light, “And I died shortly after the baby was born. My wife named the kid after me. My little Audrey.” I was speechless. My dead best friend was standing in front of me. “Now you have been busy my friend.” Andy reached into his jacket and pulled out all my letter to God. “It seems that you have a lot of questions.” Now I have even more. “What did you think, that God was not going to read your letters? Nonsense, he loves you. If he didn’t would he have sent me? So you screwed up, who doesn’t? We are not measured by our sins we are measured by our faith. Hold this.” Andy handed me the popcorn. He reached into his back pocket. In his hand was a letter addressed to me. It was thick paper with a gold border and the return address was heaven. Andy took the popcorn back and said, “God Bless” he snapped his fingers and was gone.

February 2019

“Dear God,

Can you believe little Audrey turned five! But Eliza is not too far behind; she will be four this year. Thank you so much, Lord. You have given me the best life. I have an amazing wife, two beautiful children and lastly, You give me hope and faith. For that, I am forever grateful. Tell Andy I said hi and that I left popcorn on his grave again. Audrey keeps asking me why we visit Andy’s grave. I don’t think she will understand that I am not her real father. But I wait until she is older. One day I’ll tell her. That sometimes you spend your time so focused on one thing that you forget there is a world around you. That no matter what happens You will love and forgive her. That it is important to stay in the moment. That no matter what You have a plan. Your plan is good and great. It is okay to get angry with you. But do not get bitter. That a lot of the time your plan looks like a cluster-f*** to us (sorry about the language). But in the end, it somehow all makes sense.

Your Servant,

Jonathan Lewis”