May is Ending But we must continue to listen to the voices of children in foster care all year long

Trigger Warning: Child and/or sexual abuse. The following story is from the point of view of a fictional five-year-old boy named Johnie. His voice represents the voice of thousands of children in foster care and thousands of children with no agency as they are victims of child abuse, sexual abuse, and neglect.

My teacher Ms. Jackson is so pretty. She wears dresses every day when she teaches us. I like learning about math and counting. I think I’m pretty good at counting. I used to help mommy count little bags filled with white dust. I asked her if I could play with it one day and she said no. I played with it anyways and started coughing so she had to punish me bad. That was a long long time ago. I don’t know what day, maybe a Tuesday. But today is a Thursday and Mr. Sun is shining so bright. I love that song in music class, “Mr. Sun. Sun. Mr. Golden Sun. Please shine down on me!”

Last night was a scary night. I had a nightmare but I think I was awake. I was on the mattress next to Mommy’s bed I sleep on and she had friends come over. I think they were having a brown bubbly drink and eating chips. I’m a bit sad because Mommy said she had no food for dinner but then she had food for the friends. One man came in and kept saying scary things to me. His name is Jones and he is really tall. I was sleeping with Peanuts. That is my stuffed elephant. I love Peanuts. He is so soft and a very good friend. He never yells at me and will always play with me. But Jones came into the bed with me and started asking me to play some weird game. I just wanted to sleep and he was scary. I said no and he hit me hard. I got a mark from it.

Sally Smith is the girl I like in my class. She asked me about my mark. I didn’t know what to say and then something so odd happened. My chest got all tight and my breathing was marching too fast and I felt dizzy and then I started crying. Ms. Jackson pulled me aside to the cool-down corner. I thought I was in trouble. Jones said everything we did was a secret. I must be trustworthy and keep secrets. That is how you are a good citizen or you go to jail.

“Johnie, what is the matter my love?” Ms. Jackson said.

“I don’t know.” I like when she calls me my love. It makes me feel special because she loves me. I wanted to tell her everything but I must not break the secret.

“Johnie, you have a boo-boo. How did you get that?”

My chest tightened up and then at recess the Nurse Nancy and Mrs. Hwang came and got me. It was so scary but they were nice. They asked me questions and I don’t remember what I said.

A lady knocked on our door later. I think it was weekend time I was watching TV and Mom was puffing into something called Mary-Juana. It is funny how the thing is the name of Jesus’s mom and then a Spanish lady. Mommy made me hide it and then this lady started poking around everywhere and asking questions. She looked in the pantry. After she took notes down and left, Mommy got so mad she yelled so badly. I ran to get Peanuts but she hit him out of my hand. That made me so sad and I got real scared.

“What did you tell people?! What happens at home is nobody’s damn business Johnie!”

“They saw a boo-boo from Jones.”

“Oh you dumbass Johnnie, Jones would never hurt you. Stop lying, you little piece of shit.”

I hid in the bathtub that night until Jones came over later. Mommy must have left or was sleeping because she did nothing when he came to hurt me.

“I heard you’ve been talking to people. Telling lies and saying mean things. This will shut you up.”

That is all I remember. I woke up and was late for school and Mommy was gone so I walked to the bus stop. I waited for what seemed like five hundred days and felt silly. The bus wouldn’t come get me the clock wasn’t on the right numbers. Sally Smith’s mommy was walking her doggy. Maybe she could help me.

“Hi Sally Smith’s mommy!” I tried to be polite to her.

“Why hello Johnie! Why aren’t you in school? Where is your mother?” She looked kind of worried and it made me worried. She started getting out her phone.

I get picked up by fancy looking people. And I just keep crying. Mommy will be so mad and Jones will think I lied and hurt me again. I don’t want to play his games where he makes me touch him. Everyone is asking me questions and telling me I’ll be safe. I try to ask when I will go home and the fancy people look at each other and at their notes.

That’s how I end up sleeping at this new house without Peanuts. The new house has a pretty mommy and a kind of scary big looking daddy. What if he is like Jones? They have a baby girl too and she is really cute. They feed me a yummy dinner of macaroni and cheese but make me eat these yucky green things calls peas. I don’t know why I am here. The pretty mommy here makes me take a bath. She gives me a cool duckie to play with. I miss Peanuts and my real mommy.

In school we do this project. We get to draw a picture of our family and our house. I’ve been living with the new family for many night times now. I still get toI see my mommy in this odd room with toys. In school when we drew our family I got sad and put my head down. Ms. Jackson knows me so well because I love when we color but I didn’t want to this day. She asked me what was wrong. I don’t know if she knows I’m in a new home and don’t want my friends to know. I whisper to her I’ll tell her later and ask if I can go to the nurse.

One time Mommy didn’t show up to the visit in the room with toys and I got sad. She must not love me anymore. New mommy took me in her arms and then drove me to this cool farm with ice cream. I said Moo to all the cows! She told me whenever she is sad she goes there and she held my hand. I love her but I don’t want Mommy to think that cuz I love new mommy I don’t love her too.

Another day I went to a room with so many toys and got to play and I got asked some questions by another pretty lady. I was supposed to use dolls and act out whatever I wanted to and she would watch. I started showing what Jones did to me. She was just so nice but I still didn’t want to tell her because mommy would get mad. I miss mommy. But I like my new mommy and daddy and sister. She cries sometimes but that’s okay. So do I and the new mommy says I am allowed to cry even though I’m not a baby if I am sad. I told her how mommy sometimes calls me a dumbass or piece of shit when I cry. She looks like she may cry when I tell her that and she says that those are not nice words and my mommy should never have told me that. I still miss my mommy. I don’t want her to hate me because I like my new house. What if they move me? I want to see Peanuts again.

*****

I tell you Johnie’s story not just in honor of May, Foster Care Awareness Month, coming to a close. I tell you his story in honor of all the children in foster care who feel they have no voice and no one cares about their stories. I tell you from Johnie’s point of view, jumbled and using child-like vocabulary, so we can start to think more from the brain of a child and realize the complexities of their feelings and emotions. The world needs to hear all the stories of children like Johnie so that they can realize something must be done. Too many children end up in foster care because too much abuse and neglect occurs. Let’s raise some consciousness, awareness, and fervor in order to create a safer tomorrow for all children.