1. College is just your opinion. It's just you raising your hand and being like "I think Emily Dickinson's a lesbian," and they're like, "Partial credit."

2. In terms of instantly relief, cancelling plans is like heroin.

3. Sometimes babies will point at me, and I don't care for that shit at all.

4. But I played basketball- I played basketball for five years. And I was a bench warmer all five years. I was, I was a bench warmer for all five years. And if you were never a bench warmer, I cannot express to you the humiliations of every Saturday morning, putting on a pair of break-away pants and never having a reason to break 'em away. Then they're just pants.

5. Some people give a vibe of... Right away, they're like, "Do not f*** with me." My vibe is more like, "Hey, you could pour soup in my lap, and I'll probably apologize to you

6. I don't look older. I just look worse.

7. *doing an impression of his real estate agent* She'd go, "Let's talk, let's talk before we go in." We're like two feet from the door. "So there's no toilets. And I know that was on your list. But I think I can get them to budge. Let's go."

8. I'll keep all my emotions right here. And then one day, I'll die.