I Am Prepared To Take A Bullet For Joe Biden

Allow me to be the millionth person to point out that four more years of a Trump presidency would do irreversible damage to the stability of our democracy. He has tested the limits of his executive power to an unprecedented degree. He's a parody of the American bourgeoisie, a demagogue, a liar, a racist, and not even a very good businessman.

Much like Bonnie Tyler in 1984, I need a hero. He's gotta be strong, he's gotta be fast, and he's gotta have a comprehensive plan on combating climate change. Clearly, America heard my call, because literally every liberal person under the sun is a viable candidate for the presidency in 2020.

Liz Warren? Sure! Kamala Harris? Well, yeah, that's a no brainer. A skateboarding dude from Texas and some kind of boy mayor? Why the hell not?

It's exciting to watch this new cast of characters burst onto the scene with their rolled up sleeves, ready to cater to everybody like it's your rich cousin's bat mitzvah, but it hasn't been easy.

They hit the road early––and the road hit back.

Kirsten Gillibrand couldn't seem to figure out how to eat fried chicken (it's with your hands), Bernie nearly got taken out by a shower door, Warren slid in the polls after the whole Cherokee debacle, and things aren't looking too hot for Beto, who I assume is watching all of this go down perched on the roof of his minivan.

I love every horse in this race. Some more than others —*ahem* Harris and O'Rourke *ahem*. While I watch them stump, rally, show off their dogs on Instagram, I can't help but look over their shoulder at the 76-year-old balding colossus at their back.

Joe Biden. Creepy Uncle Joe. America liked him while he was Veep, and apparently adores him still—a recent poll shows him with a 32 point lead in the race for the Democratic nomination.

What is Joe's appeal? Experience? Proximity to Obama? Who cares. Joe Biden is by far the frontrunner and has been since polling started, long before he made a formal announcement. If you've paid any attention to American politics, then I don't need to explain to you the downsides that come with an inordinate number of candidates, but I will anyway—it eliminates the possibility of an insurgent candidate.

The days of Jimmy Carter are over. You can't fight your way to the top of the food chain by simply finding an untapped pocket of voters to cater to. In the 21st century, the candidate who will win will be the biggest fish in the pond. Though they couldn't quite see it, for Republicans in 2016 that fish was Donald Trump. For Dems in 2019, that fish's name is Joe. By throwing so many hats in the ring, liberals have screwed themselves out of electing a mover and a shaker.

This brings me to my main point. We are at Defcon 1 folks. The country is falling apart. If Joe Biden is what it takes to get a Democrat back in the White House, I am prepared to take a bullet for Joe Biden.

Here's a list of things I would do if that's what it took to get a Democrat elected president.

Eat a rock.

Marry a member of the NRA.

Burn all my stuff.

Go to Vietnam—like, I'd take a time machine back to 1968 and go to Vietnam.

Tie myself to a heavy piece of concrete and walk into a lake.

Cut up all my dresses and make them into finger puppets.

Get NASA to fly me into the sun.

Drive my 1996 Toyota Tercel through the window of a Taco Bell.

Destroy every copy of Game of Thrones seasons 1-7.

Donate all my money to a third-party candidate.

Join a Pyramid scheme and message all my Facebook friends about it.

Fistfight a reanimated FDR.

All kidding aside, I will be canvassing for whoever wins the nomination. If it's Joe you'd better believe I will be both the most determined and most reluctant volunteer in history.