Zodiac Signs As Jim Steinman Songs That Make Your Friends Leave You

Zodiac Signs As Jim Steinman Songs That Make Your Friends Leave You

How do YOU die alone?
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Jim Steinman.

He's the songwriter behind hits by Bonnie Tyler and Meatloaf. He calls himself the "Lord of Excess." He's got a bombastic song for every personality. And if your friends ever find out, they'll leave you!

♒ Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18): "Good Girls Go To Heaven (Bad Girls Go Everywhere)."


You're always there for your friends, but you're also a real grade-A pervert, so this freaky anthem about encouraging your friends to masturbate is sure to hit that sweet spot. Your friends will love this song initially, realize it's literally just singing the praises of masturbation, then slowly cut off contact from you and forget your name.

♓ Pisces (Feb 19-March 20): "Making Love out of Nothing at All."

You're an otherworldly creature of boundless love and selflessness, so just listen and just cry and walk around in a white robe. Your friends will think that's nice, then it (and you) will gradually fade from their minds.

♈ Aries (March 21-April 19) : "Bat out of Hell."

You're adventurous. You're brave. You get on a bike to see your girlfriend but your 9-minute-long rock epic ends with you crashing and dying on the side of the freeway and your heart still beating literally flying out of your ribcage in a spurt of bloodred pulp. Todd Rundgren on guitar. 10/10 would get you ostracized by your friends immediately.

♉ Taurus (April 20-May 20): "You Took the Words Right Out of My Mouth."


You're a deep lover, but you're also kind of petty and possessive, so this touching ballad with a prologue of Jim Steinman grilling a lover on how faithful she'll be by screaming "ON A HOT SUMMER NIGHT WOULD YOU OFFER YOUR THROAT TO THE WOLF WITH THE RED ROSES?!?!?" is bound to make your parents disinherit you, just because Steinman is such a fucking creep.

♊ Gemini (May 21-June 20): "Faster Than the Speed of Night."


You're a bundle of energy and wit, inquisitive, so this tight, energetic song is the thing to put on Spotify at your friends' place and have them immediately change it and throw you down the fire escape.

♋ Cancer (June 21-July 22): "Left in the Dark."


You're a moody, clingy person whose imaginative capacities allow you to to painstakingly go through every detail of your lover's cheating on you, and you lay in bed for 8 straight hours waiting for them, good job. You throw a party and nobody comes.

♌ Leo (July 23-August 22): "Loving You's a Dirty Job (But Somebody's Got to Do It)."


You're grand, tempestuous, and proud, but you can be commanding and distrustful, just like the two characters in this sad excuse for a music video whose awkward cuts, ridiculous lip synching, and horrible kitsch design will have your friends suddenly canceling plans, making excuses not to hang out.

♍ Virgo (August 23-September 22): "Two Out of Three Ain't Bad."


You're meticulous, cautious, and careful, which is why, like Meatloaf, you know that it's impossible for an affair to move from the category of "hookup" to that of "girlfriend." You still remember that stormy night when she kissed you and got out of your bed. Your roommate comes in, sees you crying and playing this song, and immediately messages your friends that something's very wrong with your taste in music.

♎ Libra (September 23-October 22): "Dance in My Pants."


You're flirtatious, charming, confident, wishy-washy, nervous, and now you're Jim Steinman himself, catching what looks like orange beer as it is thrown across the table to a "zoom!" sound effect while having a head-banging hallucination in a strip club. You think the whole concept is witty and Brechtian, send it to your crush with an "lol", they don't share your sense of humor and they ask your friend to prom the next day. BOOGIE OOGIE OOGIE, your life is ruined!!!

♏ Scorpio (October 23-November 21): "Tonight Is What It Means to Be Young."


You're so deep and you emotional and intense and you show this to your friends and they simply laugh at you, go out laughing, never stop laughing.

♐ Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): "Total Eclipse of the Heart."


The internet says Sagittarii are restless, and this song has the word "restless" in it! You sing this at a party, and your liberal friends all groan and say you're an example of how white people have no culture.

♑ Capricorn (December 22-January 19): "Paradise by the Dashboard Light."


You hold a grudge for a very long time, as long as the characters in this song (until the end of time)! You don't want to get into a long term relationship, but holy shotgun wedding, Batman! A teacher asks you what you're listening to on your headphones, you tell him, he has you expelled and you are blacklisted throughout the country, and you must change your name.

Cover Image Credit: Richard Corben, Overthinkingit.com

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I Went To "The Bachelor" Auditions

And here's why you won’t be seeing me on TV.
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It’s finally time to admit my guilty pleasure: I have always been a huge fan of The Bachelor.

I can readily admit that I’ve been a part of Bachelor fantasy leagues, watch parties, solo watching — you name it, I’ve gone the whole nine yards. While I will admit that the show can be incredibly trashy at times, something about it makes me want to watch it that much more. So when I found out that The Bachelor was holding auditions in Houston, I had to investigate.

While I never had the intention of actually auditioning, there was no way I would miss an opportunity to spend some time people watching and check out the filming location of one of my favorite TV shows.

The casting location of The Bachelor, The Downtown Aquarium in Houston, was less than two blocks away from my office. I assumed that I would easily be able to spot the audition line, secretly hoping that the endless line of people would beg the question: what fish could draw THAT big of a crowd?

As I trekked around the tanks full of aquatic creatures in my bright pink dress and heels (feeling somewhat silly for being in such nice clothes in an aquarium and being really proud of myself for somewhat looking the part), I realized that these auditions would be a lot harder to find than I thought.

Finally, I followed the scent of hairspray leading me up the elevator to the third floor of the aquarium.

The doors slid open. I found myself at the end of a large line of 20-something-year-old men and women and I could feel all eyes on me, their next competitor. I watched as one woman pulled out her travel sized hair curler, someone practiced answering interview questions with a companion, and a man (who was definitely a little too old to be the next bachelor) trying out his own pick-up lines on some of the women standing next to him.

I walked to the end of the line (trying to maintain my nonchalant attitude — I don’t want to find love on a TV show). As I looked around, I realized that one woman had not taken her eyes off of me. She batted her fake eyelashes and looked at her friend, mumbling something about the *grumble mumble* “girl in the pink dress.”

I felt a wave of insecurity as I looked down at my body, immediately beginning to recognize the minor flaws in my appearance.

The string hanging off my dress, the bruise on my ankle, the smudge of mascara I was sure I had on the left corner of my eye. I could feel myself begin to sweat. These women were all so gorgeous. Everyone’s hair was perfectly in place, their eyeliner was done flawlessly, and most of them looked like they had just walked off the runway. Obviously, I stuck out like a sore thumb.

I walked over to the couches and sat down. For someone who for the most part spent most of the two hours each Monday night mocking the cast, I was shocked by how much pressure and tension I felt in the room.

A cop, stationed outside the audition room, looked over at me. After a brief explanation that I was just there to watch, he smiled and offered me a tour around the audition space. I watched the lines of beautiful people walk in and out of the space, realizing that each and every one of these contestants to-be was fixated on their own flaws rather than actually worrying about “love.”

Being with all these people, I can see why it’s so easy to get sucked into the fantasy. Reality TV sells because it’s different than real life. And really, what girl wouldn’t like a rose?

Why was I so intimidated by these people? Reality TV is actually the biggest oxymoron. In real life, one person doesn’t get to call all the shots. Every night isn’t going to be in a helicopter looking over the south of France. A real relationship depends on more than the first impression.

The best part of being in a relationship is the reality. The best part about yourself isn’t your high heels. It’s not the perfect dress or the great pick-up lines. It’s being with the person that you can be real with. While I will always be a fan of The Bachelor franchise, this was a nice dose of reality. I think I’ll stick to my cheap sushi dates and getting caught in the rain.

But for anyone who wants to be on The Bachelor, let me just tell you: Your mom was right. There really are a lot of fish in the sea. Or at least at the aquarium.

Cover Image Credit: The Cut

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11 Amazing TV Shows That Are Ending in 2019

All good things must come to an end.

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It might just be the beginning of 2019 but there are many TV series wrapping up already. There are many breathtaking and original pilots around along with several reboots coming. This might be one of the greatest year for TV.

However, all good things must come to an end. Some series have been planned out and are going to be finished while others have been cut short. Sadly, here's a list of TV series to say goodbye to this year.

1. The Big Bang Theory (CBS)

Final Date: May

12 Seasons//279 episodes

2. Orange is the New Black (Netflix)

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Final Date: End of 2019

7 seasons//91 episodes

3. Jane the Virgin (CW)

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Final Date: Mid-late 2019

5 seasons//100 episodes

4. Games of Thrones (HBO)

HBO

Final Date: Summer

8 Seasons//73 episodes

5. Broad City (Comedy Central)

Comedy Central

Final Date: March

5 seasons//50 episodes

6. VEEP (HBO)

HBO

Final Date: Spring

7 seasons//67 episodes

7. Homeland (Showtime)

Showtime

Final date: Summer

8 seasons//96 episodes

8. Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (Netflix)

Final date: January 25

4 seasons//52 episodes

9. The Affair (Showtime)

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Final Date: End of 2019

5 seasons//42 episodes

10. Friends From College (Netflix)

Final Date: End of 2019

2 seasons//16 episodes

11. Crashing (HBO)

HBO

Final Date: End of 2019

3 seasons//24 episodes

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