Jim Steinman.

He's the songwriter behind hits by Bonnie Tyler and Meatloaf. He calls himself the "Lord of Excess." He's got a bombastic song for every personality. And if your friends ever find out, they'll leave you!

♒ Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18): "Good Girls Go To Heaven (Bad Girls Go Everywhere)."


You're always there for your friends, but you're also a real grade-A pervert, so this freaky anthem about encouraging your friends to masturbate is sure to hit that sweet spot. Your friends will love this song initially, realize it's literally just singing the praises of masturbation, then slowly cut off contact from you and forget your name.

♓ Pisces (Feb 19-March 20): "Making Love out of Nothing at All."

You're an otherworldly creature of boundless love and selflessness, so just listen and just cry and walk around in a white robe. Your friends will think that's nice, then it (and you) will gradually fade from their minds.

♈ Aries (March 21-April 19) : "Bat out of Hell."

You're adventurous. You're brave. You get on a bike to see your girlfriend but your 9-minute-long rock epic ends with you crashing and dying on the side of the freeway and your heart still beating literally flying out of your ribcage in a spurt of bloodred pulp. Todd Rundgren on guitar. 10/10 would get you ostracized by your friends immediately.

♉ Taurus (April 20-May 20): "You Took the Words Right Out of My Mouth."


You're a deep lover, but you're also kind of petty and possessive, so this touching ballad with a prologue of Jim Steinman grilling a lover on how faithful she'll be by screaming "ON A HOT SUMMER NIGHT WOULD YOU OFFER YOUR THROAT TO THE WOLF WITH THE RED ROSES?!?!?" is bound to make your parents disinherit you, just because Steinman is such a fucking creep.

♊ Gemini (May 21-June 20): "Faster Than the Speed of Night."


You're a bundle of energy and wit, inquisitive, so this tight, energetic song is the thing to put on Spotify at your friends' place and have them immediately change it and throw you down the fire escape.

♋ Cancer (June 21-July 22): "Left in the Dark."


You're a moody, clingy person whose imaginative capacities allow you to to painstakingly go through every detail of your lover's cheating on you, and you lay in bed for 8 straight hours waiting for them, good job. You throw a party and nobody comes.

♌ Leo (July 23-August 22): "Loving You's a Dirty Job (But Somebody's Got to Do It)."


You're grand, tempestuous, and proud, but you can be commanding and distrustful, just like the two characters in this sad excuse for a music video whose awkward cuts, ridiculous lip synching, and horrible kitsch design will have your friends suddenly canceling plans, making excuses not to hang out.

♍ Virgo (August 23-September 22): "Two Out of Three Ain't Bad."


You're meticulous, cautious, and careful, which is why, like Meatloaf, you know that it's impossible for an affair to move from the category of "hookup" to that of "girlfriend." You still remember that stormy night when she kissed you and got out of your bed. Your roommate comes in, sees you crying and playing this song, and immediately messages your friends that something's very wrong with your taste in music.

♎ Libra (September 23-October 22): "Dance in My Pants."


You're flirtatious, charming, confident, wishy-washy, nervous, and now you're Jim Steinman himself, catching what looks like orange beer as it is thrown across the table to a "zoom!" sound effect while having a head-banging hallucination in a strip club. You think the whole concept is witty and Brechtian, send it to your crush with an "lol", they don't share your sense of humor and they ask your friend to prom the next day. BOOGIE OOGIE OOGIE, your life is ruined!!!

♏ Scorpio (October 23-November 21): "Tonight Is What It Means to Be Young."


You're so deep and you emotional and intense and you show this to your friends and they simply laugh at you, go out laughing, never stop laughing.

♐ Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): "Total Eclipse of the Heart."


The internet says Sagittarii are restless, and this song has the word "restless" in it! You sing this at a party, and your liberal friends all groan and say you're an example of how white people have no culture.

♑ Capricorn (December 22-January 19): "Paradise by the Dashboard Light."


You hold a grudge for a very long time, as long as the characters in this song (until the end of time)! You don't want to get into a long term relationship, but holy shotgun wedding, Batman! A teacher asks you what you're listening to on your headphones, you tell him, he has you expelled and you are blacklisted throughout the country, and you must change your name.