I've changed quite a bit over the past year. Starting college has brought me out of a shell that kept me closed off in high school. Everyone changes in some way when they leave home and go into the great beyond. I'd say that I've changed for the better.
One of the most significant changes since I've come to Hiram College is my thinking. Before, my mind was open, yet still closed to old ideas. I was willing to hear other people's opinions, but I never questioned my own and didn't have much evidence as to why I felt or thought a certain way. Now, I think more openly and am willing to change my opinion and allow them to be guided by facts that I refused to look at before. This helps me to adjust to the world around me, changing my skin when it is beneficial and right to do so.
I can live without my parents always right there. I love my parents dearly, but now I know that I can survive out of the house. If I'm sick, I can take care of myself. I can make sure to eat enough without them reminding me I need to have breakfast. I can do my laundry and know when it must be done. Will I live with my parents after college? It is likely I will because I need to be financially stable in order to go out on my own. But I know I can do it when the time comes, and that's what counts. Regardless, I know my parents will always be there for me, even when I say I don't need them. They're my rock, and I'm forever grateful of what they've taught me: to be my own, true self.
The feeling of hurt and betrayal has passed over me as well. I got in with a person who wasn't healthy for me to be with. Even though I tried multiple to times to make it work, it took feeling hated and unimportant for me to realize that it wasn't worth it. I felt sick and tired, I cried all the time. I felt like I couldn't be around the friends we shared because I was the problem, or at least I thought I was. This is a change that has been waiting to happen. Going through the hate and suffering made me realize that I am worth something. No one deserves to feel like they are the problem when they are not. Being treated like dirt isn't right when you've done nothing but try. I found my worth, or at least some of it.
I also got over much of what kept me in the high school mindset. Friends that I had in high school didn't hold me back in the least, but longing for everything to remain the same did. We were all parting ways, and staying connected didn't seem like enough at the beginning of the year. I can now understand that I can still talk to them, tell them about my adventures, and they could do the same. I also know that it takes two to keep a friendship going. In high school, I allowed it to consume me, trying so hard to keep friends. It is simpler now to see that two have to work together to be friends and just because we don't talk all the time every day it doesn't invalidate our friendship. If me and another want to be friends, nothing can stop us and no one can say otherwise.
A large growing point for me was letting go of old feelings that I held for someone in my past. I love him still, but I can see the flaws in what I was wishing for. I grew away and changed and slowly I began to see how unhealthy it was to hold on to that person. I was blinded by my wants and didn't think I could live without that person. The feelings held be back and I would even go home every weekend just to spend time with that person. Going home all the time is okay sometimes, but when it is for someone who doesn't return your affections, well... that's not the way it should be. I let go and found myself growing in the Hiram community. I was open more to my friends I made here and I didn't blow them off to go home any longer.
Like I said, I love him. He'll always be my best friend, even if we don't talk that much anymore. I know in my heart he'll be there when I need him and I'll be there when he needs me. We can go get Chipotle and chug back monsters like idiots. We can tell each other college stories, and I can share the weird adventures I've been having. Friendship doesn't die so as long as we are willing to keep it there.
By letting go of the one that held me back, I found someone who wants to move forward just as much as I do. I have large dreams for myself, and this new person wants me to achieve all my goals with or without them. He makes me feel like my goals are valid, and he is willing to help me to become all that I can be. I am willing to return the favor. Even if he and I aren't together forever, I know we can be friends as we are both growing into adults that still fancy ourselves children.
Changing doesn't have to be big. It can be small in indiscreet ways that only those who have an eye for detail can see. Or those that care enough to pay attention. I haven't changed for the worse. I've changed for the better... and I love it.
