"We had to steal him from his fate, So he could see another day." These words have never rung truer. As I sit in my truck listening to these lyrics of the Twenty One Pilots song "Taxi Cab," having an inward struggle of an outward presence. I feel as though someone is tugging against my truck to drive far away from this place. It's not that I am unhappy with where I am, I am unhappy with where my heart is.
My whole life I have sat in sermons at churches being told that we need to praise God for everything we do (which I believe is true). But, I have never been in a sermon where I've been told what to do if I feel God hasn't been doing anything "praise worthy" in my life. I am here to tell you that if you have felt this way in your life before, you are not alone. Not only have I been in a state where I'm not sure how to praise God in a state of decaying faith, many other biblical characters have as well. Believe it or not the Bible has a whole book devoted to this in the book of Lamentations. To "Lament" is to literally express grief over a subject. Then you have King David who goes back and forth in mid Psalm I hate You, yet; I love You. King David was a very confused man, yet someone after God's heart. But, the person I want to focus on in this article is the character of Jacob in Genesis. In Genesis 32:22-32 Jacob literally wrestles with God.
I'll leave it up to you to get some background information on Jacob. But, Jacob's name literally means "Deceiver." And he lived up to that name very well throughout his life. Jacob hits a point in his life where he is having an inward struggle of an outward presence of God. This final confrontation happens in a desert where Jacob literally wrestles with God. He begs for God to bless him, and he won't let God go until God answers his plead. Although, God severs his hip tendon in the process. God literally is wrestling with Jacob to let him know that He still loves him. At one point God says to Jacob, "stop calling yourself deceiver (Jacob) you are ten times more than this." All this to say, it is OK to be in a wrestle with God.
Despite some youth groups trying to cover up the fact that we are broken people every week full of sin, despite common phrases such as "God is in control," and despite most christians telling you to be happy in sad times, it's OK to not be OK at times with God. He wants you to be honest with Him. If you don't admit what you feel is wrong with your life at the current season of your life, and how you're frustrated with it, how do you expect it to be fixed? Personally, I struggle with receiving grace, self doubt, and countless insecurities. I am in a constant wrestle with God over these things, constantly telling Him I deserve no grace, yet he has showered me with it abundantly.
"We had to steal him from his fate, So he could see another day." I have gotten in the van, I am in the back wrestling with God. He has stolen me from my fate. He has my heart in a seatbelt at the front. He has done all of this so I could see another day. Sometimes I don't believe its for my own good, and I struggle to get in the drivers seat. I find myself back in my own truck and although I feel someone tugging me far away from here, I steer my way back to my life. I take a different route than the one I came here from. I tell myself the same things I struggle with every day. I don't deserve grace, yet I receive it anyways. I feel guilty for being mad at God, yet He loves that I'm honest with Him. I've been kidnapped by God, and I love it.
