People know me by my serious work attitude and high-quality work. They see me as a reliable and creative individual. They speak highly of me in conversations with their family, friends and colleagues. And so, some folks, even without having met with me in person, already have incredibly high expectations for me.
People who know me for longer time periods, however, see me as sometimes unreliable and unpredictable. They know me by my difficulty in making decisions and procrastination in taking actions. They are disappointed, when I could not keep my promises, particularly with being on time or even, being present. And so, as time goes by, they don’t trust my words as much as before.
I am afflicted, because both sides are real in me. I am perfectionistic and harsh on myself. Once I am in, I am all in. But on the other hand, I fear about failures and the difficulties that cause them, and at this moment, I will act like an orchard, burying my head in the sand when perceived danger comes. Actually, not even an orchard, because scientists now prove it’s just a myth – the mother orchard puts her head in the hole several times a day to turn her eggs. She is taking her responsibilities while I am not.
I am an adult from the outside, but a half-teenager, half-adult from the inside. Even though I have already had the capability to live, think, and work independently, I am psychologically dependent on my parents. Though it might be embarrassing for me to admit, I do count on my parents to clean up the mess after me (though it doesn’t happen often). I have the impression that I could always go hide myself under my parents’ feather, since they will manage everything for me. Isn’t it true all the time? From elementary school to high school, they arranged my weekend classes and activities, advised me on most decisions, and tracked my performance on every exam, big and small. Then coming to college, I felt lost and realized I was not mentally prepared to be on my own. Without their supervision and intervention, I gained the freedom and “independence” that I had longed for, while almost instantly felt clueless and confused about my life direction. Is that real independence? Hell no.
However, no matter how deep the influence they had on me, I know that it is totally up to me to change, and I am wholly accountable for my own future. Compared to many parents, they fulfilled their parental duties well, about which my sister and I could not complain. Perhaps it’s time for me to grow up and take control of my life.
