There are quite a few things I like to keep an open mind about— ghosts, aliens, dragons, making it through college with a semi-respectable GPA. However, there are a lot of things that I just can’t wrap my brain around— people who don’t believe in vaccinating their kids, people who believe “Bing” is the superior search engine, people who use the term “friend zone” unironically.

We’ve all heard the term “friend zone” in one way or another. Either you’ve complained about the friend zone, or you’ve heard someone complain to you about being stuck in it. My first experience with the friend zone was when a boy got mad at me for rejecting him even though I laughed at all his jokes, but the first time it appeared on television was on the TV show “Friends.” Joey uses it to describe Ross and Rachel’s relationship in the first season, and while it seemed harmless and funny, the term is anything but.

Obviously, it’s terrible for Rachel. It implied that Ross had done nothing wrong and that his broken heart was not his fault, but Rachel’s. It implied that Rachel was only good for one thing and that being friends with Rachel wasn’t good enough.

It showed every man that women are only good for dating, and it showed every woman that they should feel bad for rejecting someone they weren’t necessarily into.

Shoving every male/female friendship into this idea of either “dating or friend zone” turns the relationship into a transaction. It turns friendship into a balance sheet of nice actions and even nicer reactions until it’s not two people doing nice things because they care about each other, but two people caught in an awkward game of cat and mouse where one person doesn’t even know they are playing.

The guy has done everything he should have done to get the girl. He’s been nice to her, he’s listened to her when she’s talked, he’s maybe bought her dinner once or twice, he’s been a shoulder to cry on. He’s obviously owed something. So when he asks her out, she should say yes.

Disregard the fact that he only did these things to get into her pants. He put in the time, he should be rewarded— like a child being quiet through a meeting because they were promised a trip to 'Toys R Us' later.

Here’s the thing though: women are not a trip to your favorite toy store. You don’t get sex simply because you were nice for an allotted amount of time.

Now, before you say “But hold on! The friend zone isn’t just for guys. Women can totally complain about being friend-zoned!” take a second and realize—women never complain about being friend-zoned. I have heard dozens of guys complaining about being friend-zoned, and I have never heard a woman say something similar. When a woman gets rejected, she calls it rejection. She understands that it didn’t work out, and she may be upset, but she doesn’t bring up the words “friend zone.”

This could be because women are taught to be more emotionally in tune with themselves, or it could be because women are not taught from birth that men owe them something. Either way, the idea remains the same.

All this isn’t to say that you can’t be upset when you get rejected. Of course, it’s going to sting when someone you like doesn’t share those feelings. You’re a human, and no one—man or woman—likes to hear: “I’m sorry, I’m just not interested in you that way.” You’re allowed to be embarrassed. You’re allowed to feel foolish. No one is telling you that you are not allowed the time to lick your wounds.

What you’re not allowed to do is blame this on the girl. You’re not allowed to shove all the of the responsibility of your broken heart onto her. You’re not allowed to disregard the fact that she is a person, and just like you, is able to choose romantic partners.

You’re not allowed to bring up all those times you were “so nice” to her. You’re not allowed to use the friend zone as a means of guilt to get her to date you anyway. The friend zone doesn’t exist. She’s not required to like you because you were nice to her. She doesn’t owe you anything, and she never will.

If this bothers you, you’re not the “nice guy” that you constantly assure everyone you are. If you can’t get over your bitterness, maybe you don’t deserve that friendship to begin with.