​It’s three a.m.
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​It’s three a.m.

and I can’t sleep

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​It’s three a.m.

Its three a.m. and your touch still lingers on my cheek, your laugh still rings in my ears; your eyes still stare into mine. Its three a.m. and i’m walking down a busy city sidewalk trying not to step on the cracks, laughing as we almost fall. It’s three a.m. and I just pulled into our favorite diner, and you ordered me breakfast.

It’s three a.m. and the spot next to me on my bed is cold, lonely, untouched and imprinted with your figure. It’s three a.m. and your name rings through my brain, your laughter echo’s off the walls, or it used to; your face flashes through my eyes and for a moment I forget about the cold. It’s three a.m. and my cheek still stings, my body doesn’t feel like my own; my eyes stare into the darkness of you.

It’s three a.m. and you are at my doorstep with a pebble. Its three a.m. and I invite you in gleaming but shushing you not to wake anyone up. Tip toeing up the stairs. It’s three a.m. and you tell me i’m beautiful in and out of the dark. Caressing my hair and flooding the room with praise. It’s three a.m. and you’re asleep next to me so peacefully. It’s three a.m. and your phone is dinging, why do I trust you.

It’s three a.m. and I can’t sleep.

It’s three a.m. when you tell me i’m crazy, she’s just a friend. It’s three a.m. when you tell me her body on your phone didn’t look like what I thought. Go back to bed, you said. It’s three a.m. when I silence my cry as to not wake you. It’s three a.m. when you get tired of me and leave. Did you make it home? You never let me know. Did you go home?

It’s three a.m. and I don’t feel good enough anymore. It’s three a.m. and I can’t breathe, what did I do wrong?
It’s three a.m. and your name on my phone makes me sad. It’s three a.m. and I feel sick to my stomach thinking of you and her. I rush to my bathroom where my mind deceives my stomach. Is this what was wrong with me?

It’s three a.m. when you tell me she isn’t in your life anymore. You show me you blocked her, and deleted it all. It’s three a.m. and I let you touch me to get it over with. It’s three a.m. and you think everything’s okay in my head. It’s three a.m. when I compare myself to her, is my body not enough? Is there something I couldn’t provide for you?

It’s three a.m. and I think back to our good times. It’s three a.m. and I remember the bad times, too. It’s three a.m. and I look at you and I don’t feel the same. It’s three a.m. and your touch no longer shoots electric up my spine, looking at you only makes me sad, very sad. It’s three a.m. when I realize you haven’t been only mine for a long time.

It’s three a.m when I no longer feel anything for you. It’s three a.m. when I realize you’re lying through your perfect teeth, straight into my eyes you claimed to love. It’s three a.m. when I let myself feel everything at once. It’s three a.m. when I decide I deserve someone who loves me endlessly. I also decided you did not deserve how I poured everything I had into you.

It’s three a.m. and I can finally sleep.

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