I have always been terrified of losing myself. I've never been a person for change, and I've always found comfort in knowing who I am and who I'm not. So, I have always been a little bit more guarded than everyone else around me. But I found that my heart has always remained tender and on my sleeve even through my guardedness.
Confusing right? I thought the same thing, and I have come to the conclusion that my heart runs the show. It chooses what makes it sad and what makes it happy and everything else in me is simply pulled along in whatever direction my hearts wants to go. In many ways this is the best part of being me, and I thank God every day for the way He chose to make me, but in many ways this is what makes it very difficult at times to be me.
Love is hard for me, and in some ways I'd like to think I know why, but sometimes I am just at a loss for why I am the way I am. The more I grew up I found that the part of love that was and still is the most difficult for me is the intimacy part. I don't mean in a sexual way, I mean the feeling of not being afraid to be deeply connected with someone. You aren't afraid to hold their gaze, you aren't afraid to be alone with them, you aren't afraid to let them see you, truly see you in all your beauty and all your flaws.
That's the kind of intimacy I am referring to in this article, and it doesn't have to be in a romantic way either. This is also why I struggle with finding friendships. I'd like to blame it on the world and wallow in my pity party, but I know that it's that fear of intimacy, that fear of someone knowing my heart, that stops me from diving into relationships and friendships. If you're reading this and this describes who you are and what you're afraid of, let me tell you a story.
Let me tell you how there was a time in my life where I let this part of me go, I completely lost myself and guess what? I am still alive, my heart is still beating and although I never found myself, I did something way more profound: I recreated myself. I accepted that growing up is a cycle of losing, finding and recreating. This is the true art of life.
About a year and a half ago I met a boy, and at the time that I met him I had no idea he was about to flip my life upside down. I fell in love with him, and it was exciting, but it was also the scariest thing I have ever experienced. When you read about falling in love it always sounds so predictable, but the love I had for him was unplanned and completely caught me off guard.
He was the first boy that I ever gave my entire heart to. Everyone else only had bits and pieces because that's all I would allow myself to give. And if it weren't such a cliche, I would say that he stole my heart. I didn't even know who I was with him, and I mean that in the best of ways. He changed me, and looking back now, I see that he knew this. He could see that I was completely his and as boys sometimes do, he made a mess out of it. Out of us, out of me.
DISCLAIMER: I am not writing this article for you to go text your ex a novel on how much you hate him and how he ruined your life. I'm actually writing this for the exact opposite, stop trying to find yourself in the place where you lost yourself. There is a reason you got lost in the first place. So, create a new path and start to walk down it. And with each step you take away from your old self you become a new you. A new creation.
But I lost myself in him and in love. And it was beautiful and it hurt and I cried and I laughed and I felt everything in between. It truly was the start of a whole new me, until I found that the boy that I thought I was going to marry was not who I thought he was. I won't go into the details and if you are good at reading in between the lines or have been in this situation before, you probably already know how the story ended. And I was devastated.
When we broke up I had nothing to run back to. I was halfway around the world from my family, and the comfort of knowing who I am was forever lost. I spent the next year of my life trying to find who I once was. I wasted a year of my life fighting for a boy who had already forgotten me just to get some sense of myself back. I went through a year of heartache desperately searching for myself. I would find pieces along the way, but I could never find enough to rebuild who I once was.
The construction of rebuilding a new me has only been in progress for about four months now, and although I am not where I once was, I know I am headed to an even better place. I have found an entirely different me, and I am excited to wake up every day to find pieces of me I never knew existed. The point I want to make through all of this is it is completely okay to lose yourself; that is how you know you are growing. It is also completely okay to lose yourself again and again in trying to find who you once were. And finally, it is okay to never find the old you, and it is okay to be lost in your looking.
For all my girls out there, for all my boys out there, for anyone with a heartbeat out there, I want you to know it is going to be okay. Maybe not now or today or even tomorrow, but in time where you are at and what you are feeling will all make sense. God created the map of your life, and as long as He is the one guiding you you will always find your way.
Sometimes this means your heart is going to break and tears are going to fall, but construction is always loud and messy in the beginning. It's all to reveal the beauty of a brand new creation at the end. It takes hard work and a strong heart to be willing to lose yourself for love, to find yourself in pain and rebuild something beautiful.
Be you, in everything you do. Don't make yourself small; don't torture yourself with who others may think you are. God knows your heart and at the end of the day that is the only thing that matters. He created you and declared that you are good, so what in this world could ever change that? Nothing. Not a boy, a heartbreak, a new tattoo, or a new wardrobe. When you find yourself lost in the chaos, keep fighting. We are all called to do something only we can do, so don't give up because you are here to change the world with exactly who you are.
