This one goes out to all of my people who are afraid of commitment just like I am.
Having any type of relationship with a boy freaks me out. I've never had a real boyfriend and even though I want one, I know that I am extremely freaked out about the whole concept of having a relationship. The main issue that stands in the way of me feeling good about my relationship is my insecurity. I've had plenty insecurities about my body and the way I look, but the whole insecurity I have when it comes to relationships is that I'm scared that I'll never find someone who likes me. Like sure, I've met guys who have liked me and had a "relationship" with someone who likes me, but I tend to stay in these situations for a while because I am convinced that no one will like me as much as that one guy or someone else has.
Talking about this makes me feel so pathetic and also makes me seem that I'm desperate for love. But, I mean it's true. I need that validation from someone that I am enough. That I am everything they want and that they accept me for who I am. To make matters worse, I love romantic comedies and am always watching them, but I'm always in a funk when I do watch one. I finish watching one of them and then I immediately expect to find my true love waiting for me. It isn't some magical fairytale that the love of my life was right in front of me the whole time. The reality is that I have to go through all the shit of finding someone, getting my heart broken and then go through that over and over again with just slim hope that one day the cycle will stop and you'll find that forever person. But it doesn't happen to everyone; I could very well end up alone still needing and craving that love but never finding it. And THAT is my reason for being scared of commitment. I don't want to put everything I have into one person and have him break my heart the next day. So, for now, I'm going to just take my relationships one step at a time. And remind myself that it's okay to be scared of commitment.
