I've questioned my identity my entire life. And even when I thought I wasn't, in the back of my head, I always was.
Why do people ask me if my hair is real?
Why do people tell me I speak like a white girl? Dress like a white girl?
Why do people look at me funny when I tell them my favorite genre of music is country?
Why have guys told me I'm pretty...for a black girl?
So you take this growing mind and you fill it with doubt and insecurity and what do you get? A black girl who feels like it's not okay to be black. A girl who has all these characteristics and attributions that make her who she is but somehow gets thrown into these stereotypes that make her uncomfortable in her own skin. If growing up in a generation where racism still exists wasn't hard enough, now it exists casually. People don't even realize that their comments root from racism and the effects that they have on the people they make them to.
One time, I had a friend tell me that even though she's not racist, she would never date a black guy. My initial thought of course was,"What do you mean you're not racist?"
I thought of my cousin Julian. One of the top in his graduating class and accepted into the University of Virginia's engineering program. He is a kind, sweet boy who would never hurt a soul. But my friend would never take him home because, well, he's black.
So then I think to myself all of these white guys who are out of my league because they probably would never bring a black girl home to their parents; even though they probably claim to not be racist because they have black friends. Or all these girls that I want to be friends with, but maybe they're only friends with other white girls.
And then one day, this insecure black girl (me) said to herself, "I wish I was white."
Being white meant that not only was it normal for me to have great hair, but I would never have to worry if a white or a black guy would be into me because, well, I was white, so of course he would be. I would never have to worry if a parent was going to like me. I was never going to be questioned why I went to a country concert, spoke with perfect grammar, or even dressed the way that I did. Because now everything that made me who I was when I was black fits the predetermined qualities of a white girl. And those qualities are never questioned.
It took me a long time to love myself just the way I am. And even though I don't wish I was white anymore, I still find myself insecure at times and overwhelmed with self doubt. We live in a society where racism still exists, although many are blind to it. It's okay to have nice hair, even though you're black. It's okay to dress nicely and speak properly, even though you're black. Never let the stereotypes that the world has dealt you define you. BLACK WOMEN ARE BEAUTIFUL. ANY TYPE OF WOMAN CAN BE BEAUTIFUL. So if you're not black, and you're reading this, don't think I mean offense to you, but think productively. Think with awareness. And if you're black, and you're reading this, it's okay to be black.
