A few weeks ago, I was moved to write an article on an encounter I experienced in a place very familiar and comfortable to me. And this interaction (recapped here) brought up many strong emotions for me and concerns from my friends and family.
Being approached by a stranger wasn't a first for me, and I doubt will be the last.
I'm approachable, it's just who I am. I smile at people in public, I say hello and good morning. Having my share of bad days that were turned around by a simple smile from a stranger or a kind hello, I try to send out that good energy throughout my day. You never know how much a moment of kindness will affect someone.
A few times kindness has opened the door for me more than I expected. However, sometimes this has lead to being followed around and harassed. Unfortunately, I feel that kindness has consequences and it catches me off guard every time.
"It annoyed me that I didn't have a clever comeback that eloquently put him in his place while also destroying his misogynistic outlook. But words were hard to find while assessing my actual safety in a parking lot with a stranger who was bold enough to approach me in the manner that he did."
I know this situation is not unique to me, many women in my life have experienced situations like this at the grocery store, on college campus', at work, and just walking on the sidewalk. Situations where a smile or just being within view, somehow opened the door for unwanted and unacceptable attention.
So, do we just universally adapt Resting Bitch Face to ward off unwanted attention while out in the world or what?
Fighting ignorance with silence has yet to be a proven method for successful conflict resolution and unless you are delivering a well thought out retort while practicing resting bitch face, this should be a last resort if you want to speak up for yourself. There are several things you can do to better prepare yourself to handle those uncomfortable interactions that we have all experienced.
1. Be prepared
Have an elevator speech ready to employ if you are approached, followed or harassed. It can be as simple or complex as you like, just have it ready and practice actually saying it so you don't stumble over your words when having to confront someone harassing you.
Have actions planned. Will I choose to stay and confront this person and point out that they are making me uncomfortable, their comments are sexist, or their actions are inappropriate? Or will I choose to walk away? Where am I going to go if I walk away?
Take time to think about what you would do and what you should do to keep yourself safe, stick up for yourself or however else you think you should react to a stranger interacting with you.
2. Act
Speak up for yourself the way you would speak up for a friend or family member. You are worth speaking up for. It is ok to act. It's ok to cause a scene. You don't owe this person anything. Your safety is more important than being polite. If you feel you should report this person's behavior, do it. Listen to your intuition.
By speaking up you are bringing awareness that this is an unwanted and inappropriate interaction this person has engaged you in. He or she might not even know they are making you uncomfortable. They might think their behavior is innocent or normal because no one has ever spoken up or pointed this out to them before.
What if I'm over reacting?
Who cares! If a stranger approaches you, makes you uncomfortable and you tell them they are making you uncomfortable and they lash out at you, there's your answer. A normal person will apologize if they made you feel that way and leave you alone.
3. Process
The first several times I was verbally harassed I just laughed it off because that is my default reaction when I am uncomfortable. I didn't think about it much because that couldn't happen to me. No one would sexually harass me, no one would harm me, the world is full of rainbows and butterflies and everyone is my friend!
Wrong!
Until I started sharing those interactions with friends that assured me it is okay to feel uncomfortable but it wasn't okay was that person's actions and words, I didn't allow myself process those feelings. I felt conflicted about myself; did I encourage this interaction by what I was wearing or how I carried myself or by being friendly? Was this my fault? What did I do to cause this?
Nothing! I did nothing.
Being harassed or assaulted is never your fault, but can be such a strange situation that your brain automatically tries to make an excuse for someone else's actions towards you. Talk about it, your feelings are real and valid.
4. Recognize
My friend stated one day as we talked on the phone "People are just for themselves, it's not that they are against anyone, they are just for themselves ultimately and what they want." Not many people are just 'out to get you' but some people are. Being able to know the difference between someone being ignorant in an interaction and someone with the intention of hurting you is important.
Human trafficking is a growing issue in Michigan and all over the world and several people reached out to me after reading my article citing that the man that approached me could have been testing to see if I would go with him somewhere or give him my number since he was so persistent on getting my attention. And in the way he was trying to get my attention by 'complimenting' me and attempting to gain my trust.
5. Be Your Biggest Support and Advocate
You and your safety are important. Find courage within yourself for yourself when confronted with any unwanted situation you encounter. Stand up for people around you, you never know how your kindness can affect someone else's day.
