Homesickness (n.) - The distress or impairment caused by an actual or anticipated separation from home.
There has never been a time in my life where I have not lived an hour from my house. Even at college, all I needed to do was call my parents and they could be at my side within the hour (if the traffic is good). So picking up and moving to London for 3 months was certainly a big step. I promised everyone I left behind that we would Skype or Facebook Message and that I would be back sooner than we both could blink. I got on the plane with a lot of excitement and a whole bunch of hope.
Of course, it's never that simple.
As great as the hours of acting and Shakespeare classes are, I come home exhausted every night and even sick more often than not. The amount of work that I have to do leaves me busy until midnight when I collapse and go to sleep until I wake up the next day and do it all over again. On top of that, the 5 hour time difference is terribly inconvenient for everyone involved across the pond who are just as busy with their own tasks. I have barely found enough time to talk to my parents, let alone try and schedule time to Skype with my friends.
Don't get me wrong, London is amazing. It has had its ups and downs, but that is just a part of being alive. This city is rich with history, art, music, theatre, and life. It's just really hard to enjoy it all when you can so easily see how much fun your friends across the pond are having without you. That's when all of the doubts creep in. It doesn't matter how irrational it seems, but you start to believe every lie that your mind can come up with.
Should you try to talk to them? Would you come off as too clingy? You shouldn't bother them. They don't want to hear from you. They have their own things that they are doing. These all pale in comparison to the worst one of all: Will they even still want to be friends when you come back?
You end up with a few furtive attempts to talk that never get fulfilled (either on your end or theirs). You sit 3,000 miles away watching Snap stories and wishing that you could be back at home with the people making them. You look at an empty Facebook message screen, trying to force yourself to say something to the people back home that you will ultimately leave blank. It culminates in you crying on the couch in the school lounge while you watch a video of one of your friends rehearsing for a show that you will never get to see.
That was the moment I realized I really was homesick.
I didn't want to confront the way I was feeling. Study abroad was supposed to be about having the best time of your life after all. People came home last year talking about how life-changing and inspiring it had been. When I left, they all said that they wish they could go back again with me. I felt like I had to be happy to be here at all times, even when my heart was aching to be back at Catholic eating pizza and Chinese takeout with my friends. So I did what any self-respecting twenty something would do.
I picked myself up, wiped the tears from my eyes, and kept going.
As much as I miss home, I don't necessarily want to go back home right now. I want to see this experience through and learn as much as possible about the wonderful world of acting and Shakespeare. I know that my friends will still be there when I get back and it will be an emotional reunion. It is just hard feeling like you could be so replaceable in the lives of people who mean the world to you, especially when you feel like you shouldn't reach out to them because of your own anxieties.
Just because I do miss home doesn't mean that it should define my time here. There is so much life to take in and less time to do it than one would think. Like I did yesterday morning, I just need to pick myself up and keep going. If there's one thing that would be the greatest disappointment, it would be to come back and tell everyone I wasted an entire semester of living overseas worried about everything at home. Sure, things are changing. That's part of life. It will still be there when I get back and I will just have to jump back in with both feet.
Believe it or not, that's the interesting thing about home. No matter how long you're gone, it will always be there to welcome you back with open arms.
"Ohana means family. Family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten" - Lilo and Stitch
