As the countdown to Christmas begins, I always find myself in a period of deep reflection.
All around me are excited children who cannot wait until Christmas morning to see what Santa Claus left them under the Christmas tree.
All around me I see my fellow brothers and sisters enjoying the holiday spirit with their significant others, and I am both envious and joyfully happy for them at the same time.
All around me I see individuals in a frantic rush to get to the store to buy presents for their loved ones.
All around me I see families preparing to gather around a full table with seats for grandparents, parents, brothers and sisters, along with aunts, uncles, and cousins.
All around me I see full families with all of its members happy and present.
All around me for approximately 31 days I am constantly reminded of why the holiday season is not always the most wonderful time of the year for myself and others.
For the most part I am able to find ways to distract myself from the personal demons that haunt me during this time of the year, such as hanging out with friends or playing video games, but there is one particular event that has always managed to hit me like a punch in the gut and causes me to look my demons straight in the face; decorating the Christmas tree when I return home for winter break.
Even as I near my 22nd birthday in January, my family still makes decorating the Christmas tree an important tradition. It is something that families are traditionally supposed to do together, and I have always helped my family decorate the Christmas tree since I can remember.
Yet, as I break my back carrying the Christmas tree up the basement steps (it's artificial) and begin to hang ornaments with my family, the barriers I have set up in my mind begin to break down, the distractions that have held my attention since I came home become obsolete, and I slowly feel myself going down a long and slippery spiral slope, where I am greeted at the bottom by an entourage of personal demons who have waited a long 365 days to see me again.
Decorating the Christmas tree with my family is not necessarily a terrible event in and of itself, but rather it has always acted as the conduit through which I begin my journey down the slippery slope where my personal demons await me.
For about 45 minutes (or however long it takes to decorate the tree), I am forced to reflect upon the hand of cards that I have been dealt in the game of life.
I'll say upfront that I've been blessed to have one of the best mothers around and numerous lifelong friends and mentors, but I've also been dealt one particular card that won't have me winning a major poker tournament anytime soon.
In the game of life I have a fairly strong deck, but my family card is by far the weakest link.
As I put one ornament on the Christmas tree, I am reminded that one wife (my mother) is living her life without the husband she deserves.
As I put two ornaments on the Christmas tree, I am reminded that two children (my sister and I) are going through life without a father.
As I put three ornaments on the Christmas tree, I am reminded that the table at Christmas dinner has rarely had more than three seats filled.
As I put four ornaments on the Christmas tree, I am reminded that all four of my grandparents have passed away, and that I never got to meet two of them.
As I put five ornaments on the Christmas tree, I am reminded of the 5th family member, a little brother or sister, that I've always felt was missing from my life.
As I put six ornaments on the Christmas tree, I am reminded that I know some of my college professors better than I do any of my six cousins.
As I put each ornament onto the Christmas tree, my personal demons lead me to look down into the several gaps, pits, and trenches that are apart of my family life. As I look down, I see nothing but darkness, and I am unsure if that darkness will ever go away. I am not sure how deep the holes in my family life are, but more importantly, I am constantly led to believe that the holes will never be filled, and that parts of my family life will always be filled with a darkness that only keeps my personal demons alive and well. As time goes on, I grow ever fearful that the personal demons of my family life will get the best of me, and that I will never be able to make my way back up the slippery slope.
With that said, I would be lying if I said that witnessing the joy of others during the holiday season brought me nothing but sadness. It's hard to be constantly reminded of what I feel is missing in my life, but I am most happy when others are happy. I may not have as many reasons to be happy during the holiday season as others do, but I wouldn't trade the reasons I do have for anything else in the world.
Any person in the world would be lucky to have my mother as their own, and if I got married tomorrow then I would have no problem thinking of a best man and groomsmen. I've got friends and brothers for life, and what I lack in a father has more than been made up for with the amazing father figures and mentors who have taken me under their wing.
As the holiday season begins to get underway, not everyone is looking forward to the festivities to come.
For some, Christmas is a reminder of the holes in their life, holes where a happy and ideal family is supposed to be, but isn't.
As you get ready to gather with your family around a full table this holiday season, do know that myself and others will be here on the sidelines wishing you nothing but goodwill and many more happy times to come.
And as we sit on the sidelines being genuinely happy for you and your family's happiness over the next few weeks, don't forget about us.
The holiday season is great, but it's not always the most wonderful time of the year.
For most it is, but not for all.
