Let me explain.
Oh, and before I continue, yes...this one is about you.
It's me because I can never make up my mind. It's me because I want this beautiful “romance” but I also can't be in a relationship with someone other than myself right now. It's me because the thought of being with you made my stomach fill with butterflies and those butterflies made me feel guilty. It's me because I lost myself somewhere between December and May, slowly at first, and then suddenly before I knew it I was gone. It's not your fault that I am a woman of adventure. It's not your fault that I can't sit still, I have to go places and do things and I can't feel guilty for doing those things. That's not me telling you that you did something to make me feel guilty because once again, it's me and it's me who decides to feel bad that I've left you at home and that guilt becomes such a burden on my heart.
Please don't confuse that. You're not a burden on my heart. You were not a burden, but that's not to say that there wasn't something in our relationship that was missing.
What was missing was me. I was only half in the equation, I had too many things to do, too many goals to achieve, and I couldn't be bothered with taking time for somebody else. If I hadn't been cooped up on Saturdays snuggling, I would have been in the gym, I would have been printing, I would have been drawing, or drinking, or getting lost in a world of fantasy that lies within the bookshelves of my best friend. I would have been continuing to figure my own life out, and all of that stopped when we got together.
It's not you, it's me, because it was my choice to stop doing things for myself. It was my choice to become dependent, and fuck that. I do not want to be dependent on somebody else.
As hard as I tried, and I swear I did, to change my thought process, now just isn't the time. Now is not the time in my life to find love or romance or my “forever”, right now is the time that I should be focusing on what will help me build my empire and create my legacy, what will help me achieve all of my own goals, by myself. That way when I look back on my life I can say “I was unstoppable. I am unstoppable.”
And for all of this, I'm sorry that you were caught in the storm. I'm sorry your heart became a casualty. I’m sorry, but I have to be the selfish, independent woman we both know I am.
