Because I can’t.

Hello to everyone who's as obsessed with the new Netflix series 13 Reasons Why as I am, and hello to those who don't care to watch it at all.

I know what you're thinking, “Another blog about 13 Reasons Why” blah blah blah blah blah.

I can see myself thinking that, too. But I’m hoping to give a little bit of a different outlook on this.

For the people who know me, the people who might know me more than others, and for the people who just know my name; hopefully after reading this you learn a little something about me and yourself.

Beginning 13 Reasons Why, I knew it would stir a lot of emotion among people. I knew people would have opinions and I knew for some people, it would change their outlook on every single human that they have met in their lifetime.

Here I was, watching the first episode and thinking, “I love Clay Jenson so much wow’’ Clay reminds me a lot of a friend that I would like to have.

In fact, Clay reminds me of myself a lot. I watched the tapes kind of like he listened to them. To the people who actually watched or are still watching the show, did you watch it all in one or two nights like everyone but Clay did with the tapes? Or are you like Clay, and you could only watch one at a time because it was too much for you to take in?

As I was watching this very unique show I couldn't help but think to myself, “What if I was on one of these tapes?”

But every single time I tried to picture it, it didn’t work. I feel as though there’s nothing I’ve done to anyone I’ve crossed paths with in my life to put me on a tape.

I never looked at a person and assumed who they were, what they have gone through, or what they’re going through at this very moment. I have always been aware of others, and that everyone has a story; big or small. In every situation in high school, every rumour spread, every single time someone was bullied, I always put myself in their shoes. I treated every single person I knew the way I hoped to be treated. But I never had any luck in finding someone who had that same mindset or heart as I did.

I know this is a scary idea to wrap your head around but almost anyone can be a reason why. As I was watching, I also couldn't help but think of the people I would put on my tapes.

High school was the best of times for some, but for others, it wasn’t that easy.

For me, it definitely had its very high ups and very low downs.

I moved to the North Shore of Chicago my freshman year of high school. I'm a pretty social and outgoing girl so I didn't think making friends would be much of an issue, but as the first couple weeks of high school went on I couldn't find anyone that had anything in common with me. I remember being told not to talk to people because they weren't “popular enough” or they were “weird” and that's when I started to develop ideas about what type of high school this was. But I am an open minded person so I would never judge a community based on what one person said. It was hard for me to find a “friend group” and to fit in with my peers but I found peace in the fact that I wasn't like all of my peers.

Although the judgements never seemed to get better, I never let myself conform. Maybe it’s the nature of high school or teenagers in general as they come into their own, but somehow I was able to resist, and that's what I love most about myself: I am myself; unconditionally.

As I thought about every person I would put on my tapes, there were at least thirty possible names that came to my head without hesitation. It was a terrifying thing to think about. 30 Reasons Why. As I thought about every name that came to my head, the thing that worried me most was that I was still friends with some of these people. To be a reason of someone's suicide might be one of the most heartbreaking things that could happen to someone. I don't believe I would ever be able to put people through what Hannah Baker made everyone she knew go through. To live with that guilt could ruin someone's life, but then how will they change? In this way, my thoughts became tangled up and began to contradict each other. People can be cruel. Not everyone will have the same heart as you, so you're bound to be disappointed in others at some point.

The people that would be on my tapes could be almost every single friend I've ever had.

That's a sad thing to think about. That every single friend I've had has let me down in a way I am incapable of doing to another person, because if you know how it feels, how can you possibly be okay with making any other human feel the way you once did? Everyone has a story, even that bully, and even that jock. All I can hope is that they learn.

To everyone who has ever bullied someone, degraded someone, or maybe made them feel less than any human should, you don’t need to hold onto your guilt forever; it's okay. Everyone is the way they are for a reason and all you can do is learn from your mistakes. All you can really do is change, because what's done in the past is done, and to dwell on something that's already happened is a waste of time and stress. Just become better, that's how simple life can be. Be the best, most selfless, generous you possible and we can all make the world a better place. As cliche as that sounds, I think that's the best way to live.

Your biggest asset as a human being is your kindness. You can have an open mind and live the most selfless life possible. You can try to feel what others are feeling just so you can help them with whatever they are going through. Unfortunately, to open yourself up to the hardships of others can make someone more sensitive than they ever imagined they’d be. It is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so deeply. But it is so much better to feel the good times, and the very bad times, than to feel nothing at all.

It's the little things in life that add up. Everything may seem to be falling apart because of one little thing someone said to you. That one comment might be the final reason to do something very very very stupid. If this is how you think, try to think that at the end of it all, this pain is temporary. These people are temporary, these comments are temporary. And for some reason people can't help but use a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

It’s hard to be who you are in a society so judgmental, but what life are you actually living when you are living it in the bubble we call society’s expectations. It's your life and what others think about it should be irrelevant. I truly hope that the millions of people watching 13 Reasons Why realize that. They realize that it's that little comment you said, it's that judgement you had, and it's that rumor you spread that did it. It is simply, the little things.

It's a bad generation to have a good heart.

So… could you see yourself on someone else's tapes?

Thanks for reading and have a beautiful day :)

& if you or someone you know needs help, get it. You're not alone, and if you ever just need someone to talk to; I am always here.