The last four years of my life has been spent with you on the brain. Three times we tried to make us work. Three. I knew this past December would be the last time I ever asked you to be my girlfriend. We were either going to make it in the long run, or I would be saying goodbye to you for good. I mean, third time is the charm, right? I guess you and I were lacking in that department.
You know, every time we broke up, it hurt a little more. But this time was just terrible. It has been nearly four months now, but it still stings. (I guess it's because this time, it's permanent.) I have never cried over a breakup before. I felt so guilty and torn up. I kept asking why I wasn't good enough? What did I do wrong? What did I need to change? Why can't you love me? But, we were toxic. I was constantly waiting for you to drop the bomb and tell me you didn't want me anymore. And that's just not healthy, Princess.
I have to ask though, what made you give up after all those promises? Was I getting too serious, talking about the future like I was? Was I too jealous of your best friend? Was I too open with my friends? Was the distance between my school and home too much? Too much so that the idea of coming to visit me was so overwhelming you dumped me just days before you were due to arrive? What could we have done differently, Princess? If we were to go back in time, how would you want me to fix it?
How would you want me to prove that I wanted you, needed you, loved you? Tell me what you needed. Tell me how you need and want to be treated. Tell me that you loved me then, and that you meant it. Because you meant it, right? My telling myself you never actually cared, it is a lie - I need you to tell me that. I need to know that if we kept fighting like real couples are meant to, we would still be making it through.
And, no, I don't want you back. We aren't meant to be, clearly. I just need closure. I need answers. I needed you, and you left me.
I was a wreck. So many people asked how I bounced back so fast, but I didn't. I cried when I touched the necklace you gave me for Valentine's Day - the little black heart with "I love you" inscribed in twelve different languages, remember? I winced whenever something reminded me of you. I couldn't even play card games without thinking of you.
Two days after the breakup, I considered ending it. Irrational thought, I know, but I was at a super low and I just kept getting kicked while I was down. The person I hoped would help me up, was wearing steel-toed boots. So, I cried, listened to Hamilton and struggled to cope.
Is it bad that I hope you suffered just as much, Princess? Is it bad that I hope you were just as miserable? Is it bad that I still love you? Am I ever going to hear from you again?
Why do I give you so much power?
I am so sorry we struggled so much. No, I don't blame you. Yes, I still hold some anger. No, I don't want you back. Yes, I need answers. Yes, I still love you. No, I am not over you. No, I don't want to see you. Yes, I would love to hear your voice. I am all over the place. Mixed signals galore — yet they all still point to you.
And, hey, it wasn't all bad. We had beautiful moments. There were texts full of gushy sentiments and plans for the future. There were goofy phone calls spent arguing over whether we'd have cats or dogs — even how many kids you'd be willing to put up with. There were compliments and flirtations that made me blush like I was an angsty preteen all over again. You made me feel beautiful after years of hating myself. There were jokes and long nights of us arguing about your addiction to monster and my addiction to terrible television shows. There were cheesy dates where I stressed and you giggled. There was promise rings and super-thought-out gifts for Valentine's Day and anniversaries. We were happy, we were in love.
I wish we had stayed that way. I wish we had talked our issues out instead of covering them all up. I wish we had never pretended everything was perfect. However, we have moved on, right? We have grown and let go.
So, all in all, I wish you the best. I hope you're happy and flourishing. I hope you're eating and sleeping, and just generally taking care of yourself. One last thing: you're still a princess, so I hope you kept that ring - you're just not my Princess any longer. I love you, but this is a goodbye letter; our time has come and gone.
Sincerely, the one who must let go.