I don't know what i am doing. Really, i have no clue what i am doing with my life. I don't have a post-college job i'm set on, where i want to live, or when/if i want to settle down. I have rough drafts, i'll call them, of plans for the future - things i would like to do and experience. But beyond the next two weeks, my life is a blur. And not only am i okay with that, i think it's a wonderful thing.

For the longest time, I was not so accepting. i couldn't stand not knowing where i was going in life; what i wanted to do for a career, if i wanted to have kids, let alone If i was going to be single forever. I beat myself about it a lot. I felt like a failure because i wasn't up to par with societies 'standards'. So, i made due and made plans that i could accept, even got into a relationship to fill this hole in - not something i am proud of, but that is neither here nor there. The point is, we often pair success with knowing our future - two things that don't really go together as perfectly as we perceive. And, when we don't know, we feel like a failure. But, I've learned that is not true. I am content with the fact that i do have a set plan for my future, and that doesn't make me a failure. If anythings, it has bettered my quality of life.

Let's face it, American culture is a system that determines value based on productivity, organization and meeting standards. freaking standards... Can't seem to live with them, but most certainly can't live without them. I am a female; there are standards for that, like, beauty and image. Currently, i am i college student; there are standards for that as well, such as, get more than just a passing grade, get internships, join clubs and organizations, pick a major and career. WHY? seriously why do i have to know right now? I am 20 years old. I am naive half the time and learning the hard way the other half. I am inexperienced in the subject of life and i am not too prideful to admit that. Think about it, I'm only about one fourth of the way through my life, and i am expected to basically fill in the rest wearing a blind fold.

At university it is pounded in our heads to be a perfect job applicant, know what you want to do, all your strengths, similarly, all you weaknesses, and get a job right out of school. I get that university wants to raise their rankings and such, but it is suffocating when you don't match those standards or don't want to be a white collar, perfect business professional - because that is not you. Maybe i am blissfully ignorant, but if i am constantly caught up in my future and progress, how can i enjoy life. And that is what i am talking about, i am happy that i am not stuck with my 'eyes on the prize' all the time, because i, not only enjoy the present as it comes, but i don't have the weight of the world on my shoulders.

Now i didn't just wake up one day, have an epiphany and realize this. It was something i partly learned from seeing thing around me, talking to people and even a little bit from my education. But it was also something i needed. Being so wrapped up in keeping up with standards, and the world around me, i was losing myself. I compare it to the famous 'conveyor belt' episode of I Love Lucy, where the two girls are working in a candy factory and are trying to keep up with the conveyor belt as it rapidly increases in speed and quantity of candy. They are left in chaos and mess because it was unrealistic and impossible for them to keep up with demands of the process.

Moreover, It is not an easy to accept the unknown. But, it is incredibly cathartic to embrace the fact that it is okay to not know. It is okay to not have a clear cut path. It is okay to live more in the now, than the future.