It Doesn't Have to Be Physical

It Doesn't Have to Be Physical

One day I hope to forgive my ex and silently thank him for not being the one

Trigger warning: toxic relationship.

Note: this is one of my most personal articles. This is the only time I will discuss this event in this much detail. I feel this subject is too important to ignore, especially since it's domestic violence awareness month.

I was in love.

We had the same birthday, we were meant to be.

We had the same dreams.

I was your punk princess,

I thought you were my punk prince.

You wanted us to get matching tattoos,

Little did I know our relationship would already be a part of me forever.

I met my ex boyfriend by accident. I had suffered a lot of heartache at the time after being rejected by another guy. As a joke, I went on the app MeetMe to talk to guys, watch them flirt with me (MeetMe is a platform notorious for sexting/dick pics). I needed something light to lift my spirits, laugh at the horny guys. I wasn't even looking for anybody.

The typical users flirted and tried to get to know me. This is why I deleted this app, all the constant attention and lust got annoying. I was about ready to delete the app, until I got a new message.

"Lindsey, what kind of music do you like, what kind of movies do you like, and do you like video games?"

This was refreshing; a guy wanted to know me as a person and talked to me with respect instead of some eye candy.

I answered his questions, and things felt natural. I didn't think much of it, just a guy who wanted to talk, maybe a new friend. We moved our conversation to Facebook and we didn't stop talking. He was six years older than me, having the same birthday as me, and he was a singer in a rock band. He was perfect for me, everything I dreamed of and more.

We talked everyday, video chatted, and the butterflies were in full bloom. We fell hard and fast for each other. He said I love you first. I had forgotten how good that felt. I told him I loved him. I loved him.

We finally met. Our relationship became official that night, and everything felt right. I was in love and thought I finally met my soul mate. Maintaining our long distance relationship proved to be difficult, but we planned for a future together. We talked about marriage, how many kids we wanted, everything, the first time I ever had that discussion with a boyfriend.

It wasn't until a month into our relationship when I saw the cracks in his perfection. The election was heating up and me, having a hate for politics, and him, deeply politically opinionated, clashed. He voted for Trump while I voted for Hilary. He didn't let me hear the end of it, about how horrible Hilary is, how the media "lies about Trump" blah, blah, blah.

The morning after Trump was elected as president, I felt horrible. I have many friends that are on the LGBTQ spectrum, peers on my college campus that were foreign exchange students, peers that were immigrants, of different races, and so on. There was a sick, sad feeling that wouldn't settle.

The boyfriend kicked me when I was down. He did nothing to comfort my feelings of worry, instead lecturing how horrible my "p-ssy liberal friends" were and how "ignorant" I was for ignoring issues and for being a "sheep." His comments were hurtful. I tried to change the subject, I was done arguing, instead he said, "You're trying to change the subject because you know I'm right." He told me to fuck off and I fell apart. How could my perfect boyfriend talk to me like this? What did I do wrong?

He only apologized after he found out his comments made me cry. I thought things would change, just don't discuss politics with him. But it kept up. He loved politics and wouldn't stop trying to educate me on it, and when I tried to avoid it, but the criticism continued.

The long distance started to take its toll. I was busy in college and neither one of us had cars, so seeing each other was challenging. I started to see a future of success, while he wanted marriage and family sooner than I did.

He had met my mother, and some of my friends, but I never met his family. He had a dysfunctional relationship with his family: he rarely spoke to his sisters because they weren't close, no closeness with his father, and he seemed to have had a hate/love relationship with his mom. He had dealt with a lot of trauma in his life and so have I, and I think that's what united us.

My self-esteem took a hit, and I felt cruddy. I felt stupid, his words started to echo inside my thoughts. He wouldn't take my feelings seriously, never apologized, cussing at me whenever I stated my opinion. I felt weak. I was no longer happy, but I was still in love. I was scared of breaking up, I didn't want to feel that hurt again.

The final straw was when he told me an offensive joke about a girl with mental retardation. I take it personally when people with disabilities are mocked, as I studied mental health. I tried to tell him why his joke was offensive and how hurtful it was to use the R-word. Instead of apologizing, he told me how easily offended I was, the criticism continued.

Friends and family members saw how miserable I was and told me to break it off. This wasn't a healthy relationship, and he was dragging my self-esteem down.

The next day, which was our two month anniversary, I broke up with him, I couldn't delay it any longer. I was shaking, my heart was pounding, I was scared. My friends kept telling me to do it, stay strong. Instead of him fighting for me, something I was hoping he would do, he fought against me. That was all I needed to know I made the right choice. He told me I was "going back on my promise" because I no longer wanted a future with him, told me to fuck off. The very last thing he said to me was, "Fuck you. I hope you realize the mistake you've made. And you will have regret I promise."

I was numb for several weeks. I grieved, I missed him, I wondered if I did make a mistake. I kept quiet about the breakup, as I don't like airing my dirty laundry. Those close to me knew I was a mess and kept reminding me why I did it and why it was the right thing to do. I kept his presents and took me days before I finally felt angry enough to throw them away. I kept feeling both sad and angry, usually I would feel angry and then I would break down sobbing. I isolated myself in my dorm room, only leaving for food. My saddest break up songs were always playing in my earbuds.

It's been one year since we got together, and instead of being together, we're hours away, strangers again, and you're in a relationship while I'm still struggling to move on.

I survived an abusive relationship. It took me about three months after the breakup to realize it. It doesn't have to be physical, it can be verbal, from name calling, to manipulation, picking fights, and just feeling so worthless.

Someday, I hope to find my true soul mate, and one day I hope to forgive my ex and silently thank him for not being the one. Because I know I deserve it. It might make the lessons and pain worth it in the end.

Are you in an emotionally abusive relationship? Click here to know the signs:

Cover Image Credit: Get Well Today

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Girls do subliminal things to show you her interest in you. Pay attention to these low key signs that she is shooting her shot.


It is never easy when a girl has to fully admit her feelings to a guy she likes, so instead, she sends slight signals in hopes that he picks up on her hints.

1. She can't stop smiling at you

She is happy to talk to you and to be in your presence, the smallest things that you do make her want to smile. She can't control the happiness inside and it comes out in a great big smile. In her head, she is just thinking about how much she enjoys spending time with you and how much she likes you.

2. She hugs you with both arms

Side hugs are common, easy, and very universal. She wants to give you full body hug because to show you she feels different about you than any other guy. With a full body hug she can rest her face on your chest and this just brings the two of you closer.

3. She makes direct eye contact

Direct eye contact is always a great sign. This means she is fully aware of everything you are saying and she is completely interested.

4. She scans your face and lips

Upon talking to you, she begins to scan your face. In this moment she is appreciating your attractiveness and completely zoned out. Forget you said anything to her because she probably was not listening. If she is looking at your lips then she definitely wants a kiss.

5. She says "Oh my god, stahhhp"

The 'I'm mad at you, but I'm flirting with you' slogan. She is trying to be cute and pick a fight with you so you can two can play around. She's hoping this will lead to cracking jokes

6. She adjusts her clothing

She is fidgety when your around because she has feelings for you and is nervous. She wants to look her best with you around, so she is subconsciously fixing herself so that nothing looks bad.

7. She sends you cute snap chats

Silly, crazy, and just straight up ugly snap chats are for friends. If her selfies are , done each time, then she cares a lot about how you see her and she wants you to see her at her best. She is not always looking for a compliment, but throw one her way and you will make her day.

Pay attention to the signs a girl is sending. Her body language and behavior around all come together for an important message, she likes you! A lot.

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To The Guy Who Fooled Me Twice, Karma Took Care Of You

But shame on me.


I'll give it to you. The first time around was great. We had fun. We laughed. In the moment, it was great. You introduced me to what is now my favorite TV show, even though now I can only watch it when it comes on Adult Swim instead of having it readily available on Netflix. You actually enjoyed Hawaiian pizza so we practically lived on that and Dr. Pepper. We'd both go to work and come right back to each other at the end of the day, at least when I made arrangements to stay the night instead of spending time with my family like I honestly should've been. Although in hindsight, I should've ran.

But of course, all good things must come to an end. We were both so happy and we loved spending time with each other. The fire in your hair matched the fire in my soul and it worked. Unfortunately, I made the decision to call it off. I had to go back to school in another town because summer break doesn't last forever. Realistically, it wouldn't have worked. Even with the short hour and a half distance, "long distance" wasn't a thing for either of us. So I called it off and we came to a civil agreement. If we run into each other again in the future, we would try. But that was foolish. I should've ran and never turned back.

Then three months later, I was deep in school work; finishing essays in time for football games, working all the time- the cliche' life of a college student. Yet you felt the need to contact me out of nowhere. Three months after the fact. But I was fine. I had moved on, attachment was gone (at least I thought it was), and I was constantly with friends, engaging in whatever shenanigans we could come up with. But you. You contacted me. You said you missed me and you wanted me in your life. BUT you had met someone and y'all were dating.


Can the audience guess what came next? Yes, an invitation to the "hottest" threesome. Hard pass. I don't share.


Nearly a year went by after this conversation. My behavior hadn't changed. School, friends, football games, and now add Paddle People in the mix. Then one night during our traditional camp out before a game, I get a text from an unknown number. Normally I ignore but I had a weird feeling. But guess who? You. Apparently you had found out that she had been cheating on you with y'all's roommate. Disgusting, but okay. The relationship was over and you were confiding in me. Okay. I'm awesome at this. I had zero feeling but I still felt bad because stuff like this sucks.

Apparently somewhere along the lines, you had gotten reattached to me. Also along that line, I got used to talking to you on a daily basis again and got attached as well. We had agreed to meet up and hang out. Sure. What's wrong with meeting up with a friend? BUT you wanted me to meet your mom and stepdad. I should've ran.

Obviously I was an idiot. I met them, I loved them, they loved me, and we all had a great time. The literal closet full of liquor that your mother opened was honestly pretty enticing. From that night on, we hung out more and things seemed almost like they were. Aside from your depressing heartbreak and being terrified to start something new with me, even though you said you wanted to. I should've known better because I was sick of wasting time, but if I'm awesome at anything, it's being supportive. But I should've ran.

Eventually we started up again. AND I got along with your younger brother. Remember all the laughs we all shared? At least until you found out that one of the guys your ex-girlfriend cheated on you with was your younger brother. That, among other reasons, was why you made your mom kick him out of the house. But now he's in the Air Force making a better life for himself. Oddly enough, he's been really successful ever since he got separated from you and your family. Who would've thought? Oh yeah, me. Part of the reason you kicked him out was, of course, the disgust that your own brother betrayed you, but also because you were terrified that he would do the same thing with me. What you didn't know was that SHE initiated the relationship with your brother, not the other way around. But you either don't know that or don't want to accept it. Either way, I'm not that kind of person.

The kicker is when I found that you were in contact with her. To get your stuff back, I get it. BUT when I saw the messages of y'all wanting to hook up and do all these things while I was at work? Oh no. I bet you'll recall I confronted you about that and how you claimed you didn't owe me anything because we weren't actually together. True, but YOU wanted trust with us. Yet you couldn't be trustworthy and got defensive, not because we weren't fully committed, but because you got caught.

Big surprise, I went to work one day. We made plans to get dinner after I got off work and changed. I called you to let you know I was on my way, but SHE answered the phone. While y'all were consummating your "born again" relationship, I might add. Which is kinda funny and insulting to you. But my heart dropped. I sped to your place, and my fears were obviously correct. Her car was there. But the kicker? My suitcase was thrown in the driveway. Not even containing all my belongings. Fast forwarding through the retrieval of my belongings, communicating with your dirty, patronizing, personal skank through a garage door ORDERING her to get the rest, and you not bringing them to me directly, but instead leaving them on the porch so I couldn't confront you- I learned that you were nothing but a spineless coward.

I left. I went back to work because it was the first place I could think of that was the closest. I ran into the arms of someone that I once considered my best friend; my other half, even though we were going through our own rough patch and were barely speaking. But at the time he was the only one that knew about you in your entirety, so of course I ran to him. And I will thank him relentlessly for that AND for letting me by booze, only for me to drive to another friend's house so I could crash there and let me spew out my feelings and regrets. Not only with you, but with every potential relationship decision I've ever made. I will always thank that friend for that till the day I die. Those two guys put me back together that night.

In that moment, you had broke me. But now I realize that I should've ran. I should've ignored that unknown text. I should've let the first round be the only round because I came out on top.

You know what makes me feel better though? And that makes me kind of a shitty person? I know she cheated on you again. I know for a fact. Because a friend of mine showed me a picture of a girl he hooked up with recently. Within the last month to be exact. And guess who? Your girl. The ultimate kicker is that, unfortunately he has an STD now. He's treating it, but it's undetermined of when he got it. I'm willing to bet a lot of money that he got it from your girl though, considering we both know she opens her legs for basically anyone. Whether she knows about it is a mystery. Knowing how many guys she's still cheating on you with is a mystery. But karma is a dirty bitch and she got you.

You screwed me over, so enjoy screwing your STD ridden girlfriend. Girls don't show symptoms for a while, so that should be fun for you; considering you like the RAW feeling. So congratulations. The feeling of her burning bush matches the fire in your hair.


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