Whether it’s cheating or just simple miscommunication, modern romance almost seems to be more of a hassle than anything. So let’s dig a little deeper as to why that is:

1. We treat people like they're disposable

For starters, whether we intend to or not, we tend to treat people as if they’re disposable. If a romantic relationship doesn’t work out, we know there’s an entire list of other people that could “replace” them (this is not to say you should stay with someone who treats you badly). I think a large part of the reason for this is because the internet makes so much more accessible. Don’t get me wrong. The internet is great for a lot of things! However, I think the issue is that people don’t know how to harness its capacities effectively. It’s kind of like the internet is the force and we are padawan running around free to do whatever we want with it - all without the supervision or guidance of a jedi master. And unfortunately, a lot of people seem to be crossing over to the dark side. The key here is to be able to utilize our new found power in a productive and ethical way. People aren't means to an end, but ends in themselves. Simply put - treat people like actual people.

2. We look for someone to "complete" us

This is quite possibly one of my biggest pet peeves ever when it comes to dating. Why is it that we are so uncomfortable and dissatisfied with ourselves that we are convinced that there’s one single person out there that is going to magically fix everything we hate about ourselves?

First of all, people aren’t your own personal emotional organ donors. And if they aren’t “fixing” you the way you hoped they would, there’s a reason for that. Here’s a clue: It has nothing to do with them and everything to do with yourself. I mean, why wouldn’t we want to let someone else take the steering wheel to our happiness? When something goes wrong, there will be someone else to blame. We naturally want to distance ourselves from responsibility and doing so is a shortcut. However, your mind is a complex labyrinth of experience and feelings in which you are the only one that has the map. You have to be the one to navigate yourself out. Like a labyrinth, we are never actually lost, but unable to see where we are going until we remember we had the map all along. Also, to be responsible for another person's happiness is a lot of pressure for that party, not to mention completely unrealistic. My motto is to “be with someone who complements you, not ‘completes’ you." You and your significant other should be two complementary and separate entities.

3. We confuse being open with being vulnerable

Being open with people doesn’t necessarily imply vulnerability. Being open means capacity for compassion and intimacy, where being vulnerable means giving someone else the power to control your feelings. You can’t control all of life’s events, but you can control how you react to them, which will, for better or for worse, shape the way you understand others. Empathy and emotional discipline is what will help you achieve the former. Again, there seems to be some confusion with the difference between empathy and attachment. I’m not suggesting you should be a human doormat or that you should be an apathetic robot. Empathy is being able to put yourself in someone else’s shoes to better understand them, their feelings, and situations, where attachment is allowing yourself to be vulnerable. Always having your guard up around other people is exhausting, and so is allowing yourself to get upset over anything that doesn’t go your way. Finding a balance between the two is crucial to forming good connections with people, whether they’re romantic relationships or not.

4. We look to Hollywood and social media for expectations

We all know in our heads that TV is fictional and that social media is really just people attempting to project the best images of themselves, but we sure don’t act like it. Our perceptions about what love is and expectations about how it should be are practically formed by them. So when we begin to realize that our lives are not as perfect, romantic or exciting as the characters’ in movies or people’s on social media, we become deeply dissatisfied with our own. However, it’s very difficult to project an authentic self-image on social media. The content of online profiles are carefully selected and edited, which makes it impossible for others to get to know the “real you” and vice versa. Unfortunately, behind the screen, a lot of those people are probably just as discontent with their own lives. Whether you’re sitting at home by yourself binging on Netflix or ziplining in the Amazon rainforest with the love of your life, you will always feel there will always be someone with a more exciting life than you (or someone who appears to have a more exciting life than you). It’s just part of the insatiable nature of human desire. That is, of course, unless you have the emotional discipline to live in the moment and be content. This is not to be confused for complacency, or “settling”.

5. We constantly compare ourselves to others

As Theodore Roosevelt said, “comparison is the thief of joy”. So why do we continue to compare, compare, compare? Is it because we’re just a bunch of mindless followers with no individuality or independence? Or do we loathe ourselves so much that we don’t feel we deserve to be happy? No matter the reason, don’t rely on the validation of others in order to be happy. The real competition is not against someone else, but between your complacent mind and your content mind. If you have contributed to actualizing yourself in a non-superficial way, you are on the right track. Love in the way social media and TV paints it is not the love we should strive for. Instead, strive for genuinely deep emotional bonds with people, which will, in turn, help you achieve happiness.

6. Jealousy

Let’s be honest, it’s way too easy to get caught up in jealousy. Many people treat others as objects through jealousy and being possessive. Because we have this “one special person” mentality, we equate that to mean that our significant others can’t have deep bonds with other people. But how selfish is this mentality? If you agree with my position that genuine bonds with others constitute happiness, by not allowing your lover to form bonds with others, you’re essentially depriving them of happiness. And that's not what love is. Love is being so secure in a relationship that you don't have to compare it to your partner’s relationships with others. Imagine how liberating that must feel - to trust someone so fully that you don’t have to doubt their love for you. When I think of jealously, I always think of Theodore and Samantha from "Her". Don't get me wrong, they had a beautiful relationship in many ways. In fact, "Her" may just be one of my favorite movies of all time.

Despite its seemingly “odd” and “unrealistic” premise of a human falling in love with an upgraded version of Siri, it’s actually extremely relevant to love and life in general today. For those of you who have never seen it (spoiler alert), Samantha, the OS, ends up leaving Theodore. In the second half, Theodore constantly expresses distress when he realizes Samantha has been talking to other people and OS’s while Theodore is away and even at the same time she is talking to him. She was, in his mind, “emotionally cheating”. Essentially, because of her limitless proclivity for growth and that she, unlike us humans, is immune to the restrictions of time, Samantha goes through an expedited process of self-actualization.

At first, Theodore is charmed by this, especially when her self-expansion is in the interest of serving his emotional needs. However, as she continues to grow, she also develops interests that don’t necessarily cater to Theodore, such as joining book clubs and talking to people who can relate to her on levels Theodore can’t. Naturally, Theodore is deeply hurt. However, I do think that Samantha was justified for leaving Theodore, as in order to be a self-actualized consciousness, you sometimes have to disregard the desires of others if they hinder you from true growth. Ideally, a romantic partner would help enhance that experience.

7. We look for it

Lastly, we don’t have the patience to allow romantic relationships to develop organically. You limit yourself greatly when you categorize people into “prospective lovers” and “non-prospective lovers”. If you look at everyone with a non-discriminating lens, you maximize the potential for developing authentic relationships that could eventually blossom into romantic ones. Romantic love always seems to find its way to us when we stop searching for it in the first place. Make sure you’re loving yourself first before you look for someone else to love. Otherwise, you’re only doing yourself and that person an injustice.

So, how do you form relationships with people in the digital era? My advice would be to focus on self-actualization. Realize your full potential. Grow with people. Love people to your heart’s fullest capacity. Stop comparing yourself to others. Discern whether you’re being complacent or content. And lastly, spend time with people you care about in person as much as possible. We've only got one life, so make it count.