If you have been reading my past articles, you can probably tell that I'm a fiction writer or better yet; a pusher of underground opinions on different topics regarding writing. I'm a huge supporter of people having their own voice in their art even if it's not writing. However, while I have a 'voice' to project my pleads for supporting one another, I feel like a total hypocrite when regarding myself. I'm a human being with enormous self-doubt and if you ever met me in person, you can totally see it. I hide from people with books and when I tell people I write, I mentally hide from others so they don't ask questions like “What are you writing about?” “Why aren't you published yet?” and the single most annoying one yet, “When are you going to finish that damn book?”. It gets annoying because I want to be proud of my work, yet at the same time, I'm not proud to shove a draft towards someone and let their opinions attack my soul yet.
I guess what I'm really trying to say is that I'm at a crossroad at writing. All my life (since I was eight), I knew I was going to be a writer. I've always daydreamed of creating vast worlds filled with complications, wanderlust, passion, and so forth. Characters that were almost real human beings (even if they weren't) with all of the same emotions like us in the real world. But, now at twenty-three, I've only finished one full novel, a few short stories, and poems. I don't honestly have a fantastic track record on my projects. Most of the projects I attempt feel forced and shitty once I get them on paper.
I've never experienced life that made me want to write emotional topics for my readers to relate too. I met the love of my life early by taking a risk of possibly losing him as a best friend. I lost my grandparents as a teenager and still struggle with shit that everyone else goes through on a regular basis. How can I write shit that has already been written? How can I make my voice heard without feeling like shit if I get myself out there? How can I write if I'm afraid or too damn lazy?
I don't know.
Maybe I was just waiting.
Waiting for the inspiration for “my” version of a story that blends all of my favorites, dislikes, my thoughts and passions that expand into the great beyond. Or maybe it came, but I couldn't write because I was too afraid to do it. Or simply because I have no desire. I'm only discovering myself as a person at twenty-three, nothing is completely set in stone and now I realize it.
Perhaps in a day, week, month, year- I will be writing that dream book that is screaming for me to write and share to many others. I don't know, I'm trying to not rush perfection.
If you are a person like I am, do you ever feel this way too? Did you find your 'perfect' story so soon or are you still waiting like I am?
