This past week, Mila Kunis of "That 70's Show" and "Ted" fame stated in an interview with Entertainment Tonight that her, and former 70's Show co-star/husband Ashton Kutcher, won't be getting their kids Christmas presents this year. Her reasoning: "We're not going to raise assholes. There's enough assholes in the world."
This statement could not be anymore true. In fact, with the majority of the over 7.6 million people in the world with functioning assholes, I appreciate Kunis's concern for asshole overpopulation. That being said, I'm not buying her story. I think there is a deeper, darker motive to this non-merry madness.
What is really suspicious about this whole ordeal is the Kutchinator's lack of input in this discussion. Many naive people are saying that he is just being supportive of his wife. Of course, being the reasonable person that I am, I decided to search for a far more plausible conclusion. What I came up with will shock you.
Let's backtrack for a moment and look at the wonderful era of the early 2000's. Not only were we graced with frosted lip gloss and bedazzled jean pockets, but we got to experience the emergence of the highest form of art in existence: Reality TV. One of the highest regarded shows in the genre was "Punk'd."
From 2003-2007, Ashton Kutcher hosted the popular MTV reality prank series. The show involved celebrities pranking celebrities in the most celebrity ways possible. The show attempted to dig itself out of its TV wasteland grave a couple of times with various hosts trying to fill the K-man's big shoes (2012 and 2015), but without Kutch coming in clutch, it was only a Walker of its former self.
You could say that being a family man changed Kutcher a bit. Maybe he's matured and now enjoys fine literature and foreign art-house films. Well, he's not fooling me. If there is one thing I know is that behind every great renaissance man is the soul of a wilder beast. I sense that AK is getting his pranking itch back and wants to show these YouTube wannabes that this isn't #JustAPrankBro.
Thus, Kunis is tricking her kids into believing that they're not getting any presents, while Kutcher plots to buy them Mars as the greatest prank in the rich history of pranks (although, putting ketchup packets under the toilet seat will always be classic). As it turns out, Elon Musk has had sufficient technology to safely reach Mars all along. He was just withholding it from the public to be an accomplice in a comeback Christmas special of "Punk'd."
Oh, the tears that will be on the faces of little Wyatt and Dmitri as their 39 year old father screams in their face, "You just got Punk'd!!!" Knowing that this could be Kutcher's greatest accomplishment since "Dude, Where's My Car?" I am genuinely excited.
