I'm a Leo. Leos, in terms of the astrology, are known to be outgoing, creative, passionate, generous, cheerful and humorous. I do associate myself with all of those things -- on the surface. I do find myself talkative, fearless and able to take on tasks with ease and I equate that to my sign.
To everyone, I am an extrovert and I claim that. But even easier, I'm able to associate myself with being introverted too -- especially with what goes on within my thoughts when I'm showing something different on the surface. I guess that could be described as an introverted extrovert -- not to be confused with ambiverts, which fall smack dab in the middle of the spectrum and can just be assumed to be a normal person.
As an introverted extrovert, I find myself in a constant mental battle of "do I TRULY want to hang out with my friends or am I doing it to make them happy?" or "I'm just going to not go and give them an excuse because going outside makes me nervous and then complain later about how lonely I am and about having no friends". It's basically this horrible state of being of REALLY wanting to do something and wanting to spend time with others but then really just wanting to stay home and do nothing instead. And then you are left wondering why the hell you cancelled plans in the first place and lied just to get out of them when you absolutely aren't busy at all like you said.
In terms of the Briggs Myers' 16 personality types, I am categorized as ENFJ (Extroverted, Intuitive, Feeling and Judging) but I am also ruled by my sensitive and introverted qualities though on the surface I may seem like the protagonist I am. This tends to have me in the center of attention that I crave to be in, but also allows me to be very sensitive to the criticism that comes from it.
Though I may be described as charismatic, reliable and as a natural leader, I am constantly concerned about my potential failure, kind of fear the social interaction that comes with talking to someone I may not know and my struggle to make tough decisions because I fear what might happen. This comes from my introverted qualities within my extroversion, where I believe in myself to an extent but the ever present part of my personality fears that other people may not believe in me at all and that cripples me.
Sometimes, even calling someone on the phone to set up an appointment or do an interview over the phone scares me to the extent that I put it off and stress myself over the act of doing it before its even happened. "What if they don't like me? What if I make a fool of myself? What if I don't actually know what I'm talking about and the other person notices?" At that point, I would rather not do it at all and just curl up in bed and cry over what it could've been.
I find myself missing out on many opportunities to have fun and try new things, only to lie and cancel plans because last minute I have a bad feeling about going out. And then I see my friends and others talk about and enjoy the thing I missed out on and then I kick myself in the ass for not participating. Or on the other hand, I do go and then I'm either quiet the whole time trying to find a moment to insert myself or I talk so much that I'm basically overwhelming myself and I get concerned that I'm overbearing to everyone else.
And if you know me, I make jokes when I'm nervous or trying to impress strangers. So, if you don't know me and meet me somewhere and I'm making really stupid jokes and reference memes in an obscure way, tell me I don't have to be so nervous!
Either way, I am who I am. I am the protagonist. But some days, I really just want to be the backdrop of someone story while secretly still want to be the center of attention.
That's me as a Leo. That's me as an ENFJ. That's me as a Becky. That's just me. It may be exhausting and stressful, but that's the cards I was dealt. And that's the person that people like me for and that's the person I like me for.
