Before I dive into it all, I adored my internship, which is why I stayed for so long. I gained a whole new family, experience, and ended up changing as a person. I found love there and lost it. I traveled and learned an even bigger love for baseball that I didn't have prior to becoming and intern. I realized I loved traveling to Philly to attend games with my friends, no matter what section we picked. I learned about hard work, disappointment, and excitement. A new chapter is starting, but this was my favorite. I can never fully thank the people involved for what they did. And though some days absolutely sucked, they too made me who I am now and who I will continue to grow to be.

I can't remember a time where I could relax completely without worrying about something. Maybe when on vacation? But that's rare anymore. Ever since I was a kid, I always wanted to get things done as soon as possible. I had the mindset of "the sooner, the better," which is a great mindset when you have a busy life. Get something done and you don't have to worry about it anymore.

This year so far has been more draining, challenging, and stressful, than any other. And I feel like I say that every year, but it's true. If I'm being real, the past year has kicked my ass. Actually, it's kicked me, punched me, dropped me, and threw me downstairs. As soon as I felt like I was getting back up and right on track with everything, life was like "nope." It's similar to when you try out a new roller coaster. There's drops that you expect, but then there's random and unexpected twists and turns that go so quickly you slam your head against the seat and feel like you're about to fall off the damn ride.

A year or so ago, I was still in school, working, and interning during the summer. Things weren't perfect and I wasn't 100% happy. I went through a toxic relationship, which doesn't matter anymore because we are both better off. I met one of my best friends and had to sit and say goodbye to him, not knowing if we'd ever see each other in person again. I had little issues here and there at home. School was getting harder. My car was (and still is) always giving me trouble. And financially I wasn't doing the best. Everything felt weird. Everything was changing so fast.

January rolled around and I was prepared to have the best year. With a death in the family to a close friend, which is their story to tell, working three jobs, school, and focusing on mental and physical health, things got crazy.

Somehow, I was balancing going to school full time, two part time jobs, and an internship with a minor league baseball team. And I know there are people out there who do way more, but to give you a peek at how busy I was, check this out. I would be up by 6:45 A.M, head to my 7:45 A.M class, leave by 9 A.M to get to my internship at 9:20/9:30. I worked there from roughly 9:30 A.M-12:30 P.M, depending on the school day. Some days I would only be there for an hour and a half, sometimes till 12. Then I would head back to class until roughly 5, where I would have half an hour to do homework and check emails before heading to one of my jobs, to work till either 9:30 P.M or 11:30 P.M. Even on weekends, I was picking up scattered shifts, ranging from 8 A.M-4 P.M or 5 P.M-11:30 P.M, just to start off again, back at school, that following Monday.

I had older people telling me "you're not doing enough," or "you need to make more money with this economy. When I was your age, I did ____." Granted, these people never went to college, and their jobs weren't as difficult because people weren't distracted by their cell phones, 10 screaming kids, discounts, and what ever else. It is WAY different now. I know I didn't live back then, and things were hard, but you don't tell someone they aren't "doing enough" when they are doing as much as they can handle. I felt like I wasn't doing anything. I felt lazy. Which is insane because I was rarely home. My house was the complete opposite direction of my job(s) and school, so I didn't have time to swing by for lunch, or to say hi. It was sleep, leave, shower, sleep. Imagine feeling so drained and having no time for yourself, being told that you can do more. Getting told that "if you want to make time for someone, you will.". The third job came from all of this. I wanted to prove that it isn't easy, but I also wanted to stop being belittled. So, I just did it. My mental health went from great, to bad. Very bad.

As you can probably guess, that third job didn't last. I made the decision for myself that I couldn't do it. I needed to focus on my internship and graduating. And I did just that. But things still got harder.

I left the third job which I had for maybe two months. My internship pretty much took off from March through August. This meant that I was there every weekday (after I graduated) from 8:30 A.M-4:30 P.M and had to be there from 8:30 A.M until the game was over, on days we had games (including weekends). Weekends, we could start at 9 A.M, sometimes 11 A.M. It all depended on the day and staffing. To make a long story short, I lived there. And when I say I lived there, I LIVED there. Since we had to work Monday-Friday, weekday games were killer. Not to mention working a full week with half games, half normal days, then weekend games, diving straight into the week again, sometimes with more games. I was never home, except to sleep and shower. Some days I even showered at work. And the weekends I didn't have games, I would be at my part time job.

The lack of sleep I had really got to me. I was hardly sleeping, never working out, and I became sick. Somehow I was having the time of my life, yet the worst time of my life. I didn't feel as confident in what I was doing compared to other interns. I wasn't making as many sales, some were getting taken, some people were cheating the game, and some days were just so damn frustrating I wanted to sit in my boss's office crying and asking for help finding something new. Multiple times I almost gave it all up and I hid it so well.

I decided crying wouldn't do me any good, so I took care of the issue myself. It helped but it also made things worse. I decided to start looking for jobs after the internship finished. I applied EVERYWHERE in sports. I got so many phone calls, emails, and interviews, even traveling to another state by train for an interview. Nothing was working and I became panicked. My friends started doing the same, some getting jobs instantly. I thought I was going to fail. Everyday I would leave the office for a phone interview, walking around the stadium seats talking about my experience and what I wanted to bring to the table for a new team to call home. Some places weren't a fit at all, others loved me and begged for me to come work or them but wouldn't support a big enough move as far as covering the travel costs. Others didn't seem to care. I was pressuring myself not only because I wanted to make a change in my life, but because there was pressure from everyone. Whether my family would ask about "when are you going to take a new job?" to staff asking "Hey, any luck with that team?" I felt so pressured. Each time having to say, "nothing yet, it'll come," I felt like a broken record.

Between working long hours and interviewing, I was helping with other tasks as an intern. Anything anyone needed, I did. I helped organize information for our team for kids, I ran tours, I helped register kids for day camps, I helped with a campaign in support of my coordinator, and I played the role as a tooth fairy to make kids happy even on the days I wasn't happy.

Finally, the season ended, and I was one of the few not knowing where my life was going. I figured I would take a couple weeks easy on myself by relaxing by the pool, reading, exercising, and taking little shifts at my part time job. Each day I would slowly apply to new jobs, just realizing maybe my time wasn't yet because something perfect was around the corner and in order to appreciate it, I needed patience.

I went from being so stressed, tired, and having no faith, to reminding myself that life is so different for everyone. I went from knocking myself for not having a new job, to just telling myself that maybe I can't find a job because I'm looking at the wrong places. I didn't even go to school for sports, so why was I SO desperate for a job in baseball? I stopped crying, I stopped over checking emails, I stopped waiting for phone calls and feeling like crap when I missed one.

On the positive side, I got to travel, I got to meet new people, and I learned what I want and don't want in a job. I traveled to Connecticut for free to meet the staff of the Hartford Yardgoats, toured the stadium, and made new connections. And even though I wasn't the fit, I got to catch up with my friend that lives there, check out a new town, eat some great food and drink good beer. It was my first time traveling that far all alone, and I learned that I loved it! I was more excited to travel than I was afraid, but the experience made me realize I could do it and that I am very independent. With my internship, I got to meet our clients, and got a job offer. After phone calls and meetings, I realized it wasn't for me, but I got the interview experience and now have more people who supported me in saying I have good customer service. And even though a team in Georgia loved my personality and I personally couldn't take the job, I made a quick friendship with a team that said "if you EVER change your mind, we're here for you."

My internship taught me that life is far from easy. I worked my ass off, for sure. And though I didn't get what I (thought) I wanted I know I will get something. It taught me that hard work will pay off. Because now people are seeing how much time I dedicated. I finished a full time internship while going to college full time. Most people don't even have a job during college, and I had three.

My internship also taught me that some of your friends will change and you will part, for the better. And those people you never pictured becoming friends with, will become the best friends you have ever had. They'll stay up until 2 A.M with you, drinking a beer (or a white claw in our case), talking about the future and the long, long day you both had. They'll help you with work problems or personal problems. You'll go out and have fun nights at the bar, singing, dancing, and taking an Uber home to stay up dancing more or playing video games.

Working in minor league baseball and attending a game are two very different things, especially as an intern. Interns do pretty much everything, so as a side note, be nice to all staff at all sporting events. Or any job, really. But those younger people? They're probably struggling. Be nice.

For now, things are okay. I feel happier than I did compared to May-August. And things are no where near perfect, but I've already made some big changes and have some good things coming up, but we'll wait to share that later.

Even though I was struggling with jobs and life in general, I had the best support system. My intern class became some of my best friends and we saw each other through it all. And though we all went new ways, I will forever be thankful for the ones who saw me laugh, cry, and grow. You know who you are.

So if anyone is struggling, things will get better. Confidence isn't always easy, but remember, things happen for a reason. And what's good for someone else, may not be good for you.