What is that? You’re not creepy enough to attempt to friend that cute guy whose first name you kind of know, and who you only talked to once at that party that one time, but whom you're preeeeettty sure you might marry one day? Well, I am, so I will do all the heavy lifting for you.
(P.S. If you’ve never Googled some hot stranger you’ve met before, then honestly I think you are the crazy one.)
1. What is his first name? If you don’t have that, grab some Oreos because this is going to be a long night. If you do know his name, go to #2. If not, skip to #7.
2. Great! You already are 0.1% on your way to friending this man! Now, do you know any of his friends? If so, go to their Facebook, and search his first name under their friend lists. He should be there! If he isn’t, continue on to #3.
3. Well, turds. He either isn’t on Facebook or his friends’ friend lists are not public. What’s a gal to do? If you think he’s off the grid, jump to #5. If not, you’re about to get real Sherlock Holmes on this and continue to #4.
4. Did the party you go to have a cheesy event page? If so, go to said cheesy event page and search his name. It’s there? He said he was a “maybe” for the lame party? PERFECT YOU ARE READY TO MAKE BABIES FRIEND HIM SO BABIES CAN BE MADE.
5. Now, you must google the man. If you have his last name, this will be much easier. If not, you’re screwed. Just kidding girl I GOTCHU. I’m a pro. Go to #7 to find the love of your life. If you do indeed have his last name though, continue on to #6.
6. You Googled the man and his LinkedIn page popped up? Well, looks like LinkedIn did all the work for you. Now you have access to not only his last name but his education, possibly his GPA, and that weird job he took on to bolster his resume.You are basically married at this point based on how much you know about this man! Also, if he’s an outstanding member of society, he will have uploaded a headshot of himself which you can now show to all your friends when they ask about your new bf. Pray it’s of his best angle. Go to #8 for some bonus fun because YOU DESERVE IT.
7. Ask everyone you knew at the party about the guy you like. Describe him in detail, like one would when describing a possible suspect of that random crime that happened in your town CVS. Exact height, weight, eye color, and favorite breed of dog is of utmost importance. If you finally figure it out, go to #2. If not, go on to #9.
8. Not digging that picture on LinkedIn? Have no fear! Assuming that your dude has a parent or sibling on Twitter, this is your way in for other pics of your gorgeous man. Moms never know how to put their profiles on private, so just find out his mom’s name by going to an old article on the internet about his high school graduation where she was talking about how “proud” she was of him, type in her full name in Twitter, and BAM, you have access to all those family birthday party photos where your man actually trimmed his beard. Print these photos and smother your walls with them, just for some bragging rights.
9. Wait, no one at the party knows who you are talking about? Could you possibly have fallen for a ghost? You probably have fallen for the ghost of a man you will never know. Mourn his loss, go to another party, make sure you know the first name of the next man you crush on, then come back to this list. Rinse and repeat.
