As an an anthropology project a few weeks ago, my group observed a guys’ floor, documenting the social groups, traditions, prominent members and perspectives from insiders within the community. Two main social groups existed on the floor, whose members exhibited similar, specific personality traits (but very different from each other). Both groups outwardly allowed others to hang out with them, but did not actively include others to make outsiders feel welcomed. My group members and I experienced this firsthand- we were allowed to hang out and participate, but there was definitely a wall between ‘us’ and ‘them.’
Once groups have established members, a rhythm is set. Interactions are comfortable because insiders know each other well. To bring in another person is to change the group dynamic, and that can be exciting for some people, but stressful for others. It is a risk, but a worthwhile one. Everyone has been (or will be) an outsider at some point, and to learn how to integrate a group is a useful and necessary skill. Making another person feel welcome shows kindness and compassion and an ability to be flexible. Think about it: which would you prefer, to be included and listened to, or looked down upon and ignored?
Ingroup bias refers to the favoritism of people in one’s own group than to outsiders: friends will receive more benefits than strangers. This isn’t necessarily always a bad thing; the closest people to us are there because we accept and support each other (hopefully), whereas with a stranger, we don’t know that person well enough to tell. The problem arises when we stick only with our own group and don’t go out of our way to make others feel welcome.
Allowing outsiders to hang out with the group is not the same as including them. Sitting and listening is fun, but not when others ignore and turn their backs to you. A simple “What do you think?” goes a long way. Not everyone has something to say, but many people will be polite and wait their turn rather than barging into the conversation. For them, a formal invitation to speak is highly appreciated.
As important as it is for the insiders to incorporate others, the outsiders have to try a bit too. Instead of allowing the fear of rejection to permeate every action, think positively. By meeting new people, joining groups, and listening to others, you get a better feel for what kinds of people you want to be around. Don’t settle for the first few people you meet if you can’t be yourself around them- you’ll only end up trying to conform and feeling miserable, trust me. As scary as it is, get out there. Find those who are similar enough to you to connect but different enough to teach you something. Once you’re in, extend a smile to those who need an extra confidence boost and invite them to share their opinions. From someone who has been both excluded and (unknowingly) excluding, question your group’s boundaries and always be excited to meet new people.
