A Look Inside The Mind Of A Depressed 21-Year-Old

A Look Inside The Mind Of A Depressed 21-Year-Old

Explore the thoughts that go through someone's mind who suffers from depression.
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Sometimes I feel like dressing up. I wear that shirt that everyone tells me they love. However, I can't help but feel transparent. “Your ass looks great in those pants!,” so I've been told. But does that make me noticeable or just sexualized?

I put on make up some days to mask the fact that tears have been streaming down my face for the past three nights. Constant panic attacks and anxiety that keep me up wishing, no, begging for another high. I take pills to lessen the blows, but one by one they knock me down. I constantly feel like I’m swimming in a sea of doubt while praying to God to let me drown.

Sometimes, It's like I'm slipping off of a cliff, but everyone's begging me to jump. I’m paralyzed by thoughts, fear, and never-ending "what ifs" because saying how I feel couldn’t change any of this. I'm begging for help but I can't scream. Doctors are writing scripts for meds I never thought I would need. Therapists and counselors will never understand me. They haven't seen what I’ve seen.

I’ve been living in darkness, feeling around for a way out. Searching through my head while trying to wage war with all my doubt. That's a battle I've been fighting with no end in sight. Maybe I've struggled long enough with myself to end everything tonight. I constantly wake up screaming from nightmares that seem a little too real, but sometimes I use them to remind myself how I’m supposed to feel.

Growing up, I was always told that self-medicating is dangerous, but most times I find myself wanting to feel pain rather than nothing at all. I’m standing at the edge of the cliff waiting for the perfect moment to jump, to fly, to fall. Scars cover my arms and thighs serving as a reminder of all the times I wanted to die. I have burn holes in my sweaters from the cherry of a menthol cigarette which serves as a reminder of memories I’ll never be able to forget.

I’m grasping at straws, trying to find another way, carelessly migrating around, trying to find all the words to say. Someone else's problems on an entirely different day. It’s always the saddest of people who give everything to help others and I think that’s because we don’t want others to hurt the way that we do; we want them to be okay.

This constant feeling of hopelessness will never be outweighed by the sincerity of my own self-worth. Let's tally up our scars and see whose is worse--because playing roulette with a blade can cause secrets to be unearthed.

I play tag with my demons at night; they chase me, they haunt me, and they only tear me down. But if I didn't have my demons, I wouldn't be alive right now. My demons project thoughts in my head; like instead of living, they would rather have me dead. I fight with the tiniest notion of what it would mean to end my life in one simple motion.

However, I find suicide tragically ironic because the one who kills you is precisely the one who should be protecting you from an assassin. Do not fall victim to yourself; our minds are our worst enemies and our demons lack compassion. I know there’s not much left I’m able to do besides maybe giving my brain frostbite in the middle of the cold. But that’s what it’s like inside the mind of a depressed 21-year-old.

Cover Image Credit: Caelan Frazier

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10 Bible Verses for Self Esteem

Sometimes you need to search for inner strength and find your own self worth.
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We all get those days that we just don't feel good enough for anything. Everything is going wrong. For me, I go to the bible to read the words of God. His personal dialog for us is filled with encouragement, hope, and lessons we can learn from. Here are my top ten verses that are uplifting and impacting when at the lowest of lows:

1. Philippians 4:13:

I can do all things in Him who strengthens me.

2. Psalm 46:5

God is within her, she will not fall.

3. Proverbs 31:25

She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future.

4. Psalm 28:76

The Lord is my strength and my shield.

5. 1 Corinthians 25:10

By the grace of God, I am what I am.

6. Romans 5:8

I loved you at your darkest.

7. Psalm 62:5-6

Only God gives inward peace, and I depend on Him. God alone is the mighty rock that keeps me safe, and he is the fortress where I feel secure.

8. 2 Timothy 1:7

For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love, and self-discipline.

9. 1 Peter 2:9

But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light.

10. 2 Chronicles 20:15

The battle is not ours, but God's.

Cover Image Credit: chinadaily

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Depression Is A Balancing Act That Is And Isn't In Our Control

Managing depression can sometimes feel overwhelming.

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*Warning: Before reading any further is that this article will be talking about heavy topics such as depression and suicide.*

Depression in this day and age is a very sticky topic to talk about. Yes, we are becoming more aware and accepting of the issue, but we still have a long ways to go in terms of really know how we can be there for people in a way that's most effective and where they don't feel judged because of it.

I have dealt with depression most of my life and especially going through college. It didn't become a big thing for me till I came to college, and then having to navigate my issue of it. Whether that's talking about it friends vaguely about it, bottling it all in, going for professional help, etc. It's one of the many reasons why I'm afraid of meeting someone new, or wanting to be in a relationship, I was afraid of the judgment and feeling that if I told someone they either might not want to do anything with me, say it's too much for them, etc.

Now some of those fears, in my opinion, were unjustified in a sense that yes even though it is important for people to be there for me in my time of need, I need to be conscious of how much I share and whether they can take that piece of me I shared. It's a balancing act that is hard to manage, but it allows me for a much-needed look into myself of what actually makes me happy, what doesn't, what triggers my depression and going out of my way to make sure I don't let it take control of me.

The depression took me to places, very dark places that I'm happy to have push through, with my depression it made my thoughts go into suicidal ideation, and even hurting myself, an act that I never thought I would ever do but thankfully I had people in my life that helped me overcome that and going to talk to a professional.

Depression is a mental health issue that most everyone struggles with regardless of where they're at in life, it can come like a tidal wave, or not at all. It's an internal struggle with ourselves, and we do our best trying to get through it. I know that I'm not alone in this, and if you're reading this you're not alone either.

Don't be afraid to talk about it, but be mindful of other people and how much you can share in order for them to be able to process it, go for professional help, exercise, hang out with friends. Don't let depression fully control your life, it won't go away but if we can manage it in a way that helps us be able to keep it under control then that's a win.

If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline — 1-800-273-8255

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