Carmel, Ind. - During an extended-family potluck dinner, 18-year-old Malcolm Mills, an incoming Purdue University freshman, held a lengthy discussion on the poor living conditions of Cary Quadrangle, a residence hall he has yet to set foot in. The address, taking place from an elevated surface on his house’s outdoor sundeck, lasted nearly eight minutes. His oration was “about eight minutes too long” according to disinterested onlookers.
“It’s going to be a nightmare and I already know it,” said Mills early on in the speech. “An upperclassman said there’s no air conditioning. What could be worse than that?”
“Plus, those tiny rooms? I hear they have the nickname ‘Cary closets’,” he added. “No chance I can fit my queen bed and all my stuff in there.”
Citing cloudy weather and a shoddy white bean tapenade dish, sources state that those in attendance were already on edge before the tirade started. However, during the rant, multiple people were seen gathering their plates and hesitantly sidling away for second helpings in order to avoid hearing more of Mills's driveling.
“It was all completely unnecessary and over-exaggerated. He hasn’t even lived there yet,” exclaimed Vicky Phelps, a neighbor who was only stopping by to drop off a casserole dish she had borrowed from Mills’s mother earlier that month. “You’d have thought he was describing a Russian gulag instead of a college dorm.”
Another bystander shared her thoughts with reporters.
“I don’t get where all of the frustration came from,” said Jessica Roberts, 24, Mills’ older sister. “He’s never too great to be around but this was exceptionally unpleasant. Thankfully, my uncle had spilled a small plate of baked beans on my blouse during his rant, giving me an excuse to leave.”
Eyewitnesses noted that Mills was becoming visibly flustered the longer he spoke and that his speech lost logic and structure with every passing syllable.
“I knew he was in trouble when he started insulting his future roommate solely based on his Facebook profile,” added Roberts. “I tried to explain to him that there’s no way his dorm experience could be ‘that bad’, but he wouldn't have it. A classic cry for attention in my book.”
Post-oration, Mills stepped down from his patio bench podium and went inside to complain to his mother for “preparing the chicken differently than she normally does,” and proceeded to the family's desktop computer for hours of online video games.
This just in: Mills has just discovered the Cary Quadrangle is an all-male residence hall, making freshman orientation group correspondingly all-male. Many expect this news to incite another back-porch tirade in the future.
