Some nights it just hits me. I don't know what it is or why it comes when it does, but when the tears start to flow there is no stopping them. I have learned that letting myself fall apart and cry for awhile is the only way to regain control and move forward. Sometimes it breaks and I just can't be strong. I'm learning that it is in moments like these that God is showing me how much I truly need to cling onto Him. He is my strength not only when I run out, but every second of everyday.
Tonight was one of these nights. I lost it. I needed my mom to come tuck me in and tell me that she loved me, but I don't get that privilege anymore. Tonight I can't get the thought out of my head that I barely knew my mother. I knew her as my mom and that is all. I didn't ask her about her life before very much and now I won't have the opportunity. I wish I had taken to heart so much more about her when I had the chance. I want to know how many boyfriends she had. I want to know how her first kiss went. I want to know who her best friend in high school was. I want to know everything.
Maybe I'm weird, but I like to imagine talking to my future kids. I imagine the life lessons I'm going to teach them. I think of things I'm learning in my life and I write out a little lecture in my head to tell them one day. It's during these times that I was I had paid more attention to my mom's stories and had asked her questions about her life growing up. It makes me want to tell my future kids everything about my life, from beginning to end, which they will probably hate but I hope they will learn from my life and what I wish I had known before.
My life has changed so much. My whole view of the world has changed after my mom passing. I see life as something so fragile, yet so incredibly beautiful and magnificent that it's hard to put into words. Life is an opportunity, not to be wasted, but to be taken full advantage of. It truly is like a flower, here one day and gone the next. I am often scared about how fast my life seems to be going. It feels like just yesterday I was in 3rd grade coming home to grab a snack and watch Lizzie Maguire without a care in the world, and now I'm 20 and having to figure out my life. It flys. Yet there are so many moments that I feel like I waste, and I hate that. I want every single second of my life to be used, because I know that tomorrow is not guaranteed.
I want Jesus to shine through every word I say, every smile that comes across my face, and every action I make. He is my purpose. He is the reason I am here. I may not have my life put together and I may not know what my future holds, but I do know that without Him I am nothing. I would not be here without Him, nothing would be here. He does not need me, but he wants me. That is a lesson I have been learning, it is not what I can do for Christ, for there is nothing I can do for Him, instead I GET to live my life with Him and that is the beauty of it. Living my life to glorify Him gives me purpose. It gives me life. It gives me everything. There is nothing God can gain from me, for He has everything and I have nothing, but He gives me everything so that I can work for Him which gives me reason.
I started this off in tears, missing my mother so much my heart ached. I honestly do not know how I ended up talking about life and purpose and my savior, but I guess that perfectly explains Jesus. In my darkest, weakest moments He shows up and gives me His joy and strength. My God is a good good Father and when I am missing my earthly mom, my Heavenly Father knows exactly how to comfort me.